I guess I've never lived in a big enough city, but yesterday was the first time I've seen a truly homeless person. I've seen people begging and I've seen people who looked like they might not have anywhere to go. Yesterday, I saw a lady sleeping huddled under a blanket, tucked right up against her shopping cart. It was 25 degrees outside.
Ten minutes earlier I had been muttering and complaining to myself that I didn't want to even walk from my car to the school for Emma's Christmas party. I didn't want to leave my lovely, warm home full of food and clothes and a million things we don't need because it was cold.
This woman pulled at my heart in a way I can't even describe. As I was walking into the 7-11, I found a five in my purse and put it in my pocket to give to her when I came back out. I looked intently at everyone in the store. Did they see her? What did they think? What could we do? I'll be honest, I wanted to ask the clerks if I gave her money, would she buy alcohol with it. But I didn't.
I went back outside and walked right up to her feet. And stopped. And walked to my car. And stopped. I looked around. Was anyone going to help? What can we do?
I walked back over to her and started looking around her cart for somewhere to put the money that she would actually find it. I was worried that it would fall down into the nooks and crannies. I looked into the coffee cups to see if they were empty or would the money get wet, but what if the money blew away. It was 25 degrees and windy.
I ended up leaning down right into her lap to try to tuck the money into the folds of her blanket. I guess she's used to people walking around her because she hadn't stirred while I was wandering around. She pulled the blanket down from her face when she felt me touch her blanket and I just said, "Here's some money." I don't know if she said thank you. Was I afraid to hang around any longer?
I'm not trying to say, "Look what I did today." I don't know any answers. I don't know if $5.00 will even do her any good. I just couldn't do nothing.
Every day of my life I have had every single thing I need, and on top of that, love. I know there are people suffering in the world, but while I've acknowledged that, I've never looked too closely or for too long. When you don't have the solutions, it's really painful to look at the problems.
This woman has been on my mind and my heart. My chest is literally aching. I know I can't fix everything, but I've got to find a way to do something. Life was easier when my eyes were closed.
3 comments:
Very well stated, Alyssa and so many poignant feelings.... I just posted a moving video on my FB wall about a man who is trying to make change in his community .... before I had even read this.
I have struggled with this for years. There are a group of homeless men that hang out near one of our Walmarts. We went and got them a pizza one day and now I find myself (and my kids) looking for them in the woods where they sleep whenever we are over that way. They weren't there the other day and I have to wonder if the businesses around ran them off. I'm glad it still pricks our hearts or else I would worry about us too.
Did you see the movie (or read the book) "The Pursuit of Happyness"? I saw the movie and then heard Chris Gardner speak at a conference and there was not a dry eye among the audience when he finished telling how he ended up homeless and raising a baby alone on the streets of San Francisco. (In the movie, an older child played the role of the son - but in real life Gardner had a baby in diapers.) He was a college grad who had never been in trouble with the law, wasn't an addict, wasn't mentally ill - he wasn't any of the things that we usually associate with homelessness.
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