The Morris Family Adventures

25 Degrees

2010-12-16T13:08:00.003-05:00

I guess I've never lived in a big enough city, but yesterday was the first time I've seen a truly homeless person. I've seen people begging and I've seen people who looked like they might not have anywhere to go. Yesterday, I saw a lady sleeping huddled under a blanket, tucked right up against her shopping cart. It was 25 degrees outside.

Ten minutes earlier I had been muttering and complaining to myself that I didn't want to even walk from my car to the school for Emma's Christmas party. I didn't want to leave my lovely, warm home full of food and clothes and a million things we don't need because it was cold.

This woman pulled at my heart in a way I can't even describe. As I was walking into the 7-11, I found a five in my purse and put it in my pocket to give to her when I came back out. I looked intently at everyone in the store. Did they see her? What did they think? What could we do? I'll be honest, I wanted to ask the clerks if I gave her money, would she buy alcohol with it. But I didn't.

I went back outside and walked right up to her feet. And stopped. And walked to my car. And stopped. I looked around. Was anyone going to help? What can we do?

I walked back over to her and started looking around her cart for somewhere to put the money that she would actually find it. I was worried that it would fall down into the nooks and crannies. I looked into the coffee cups to see if they were empty or would the money get wet, but what if the money blew away. It was 25 degrees and windy.

I ended up leaning down right into her lap to try to tuck the money into the folds of her blanket. I guess she's used to people walking around her because she hadn't stirred while I was wandering around. She pulled the blanket down from her face when she felt me touch her blanket and I just said, "Here's some money." I don't know if she said thank you. Was I afraid to hang around any longer?

I'm not trying to say, "Look what I did today." I don't know any answers. I don't know if $5.00 will even do her any good. I just couldn't do nothing.

Every day of my life I have had every single thing I need, and on top of that, love. I know there are people suffering in the world, but while I've acknowledged that, I've never looked too closely or for too long. When you don't have the solutions, it's really painful to look at the problems.

This woman has been on my mind and my heart. My chest is literally aching. I know I can't fix everything, but I've got to find a way to do something. Life was easier when my eyes were closed.

What do I really want?

2010-12-15T11:06:00.002-05:00

A few years ago a trusted and respected friend dumped me. She cited the fact that when we hosted game nights they were potluck (is this really an issue that I don't know about?), that I slept too late once when I stayed over (true) and that I was self-centered and didn't focus enough on her problems (maybe).

I've called and left messages once in awhile just to say I was thinking of her and the other day I found her on facebook and sent her a message. Currently, she lives less than 20 miles away.

I was completely destroyed when this happened. I couldn't believe anyone could think so poorly of me. I've always wondered why she didn't address these issues when they came up. Why store them all up and dump them only to say, "it's over."

When we were both living in Albuquerque and we were getting ready to move, I was pregnant, Blair was out of town and we were trying to get the house ready to sell. She had offered their help, but when I asked, she said they would come over, but then didn't show up. I was hurt and angry about this and brought it up with her. She told me all the things that were going on in their life right then, I understood and we got over it.

Why didn't she bring things up with me? Does she expect her friends to be perfect? Do you?

What I'm wondering about today is why I can't let it/her go. What do I hope to get out of reconnecting?

Do I really want to be friends again with someone who hurt me so badly? Have I forgotten how bad it was?

Can I not stand the fact that someone out there thinks I'm a bad person?

Do I want to be right about the issues she brought up?

I'm not sure. I used to think that I just missed her friendship. It occurred to me today that maybe I just want to be right. I do like being right. But I really do miss her.

Miscellaneous

2010-03-23T10:35:00.002-04:00

Well, I got my first complaint about not posting a blog in forever today. I've been thinking about zapping off a quick one just to catch up on stuff, so here goes.

1. I really like Facebook more than blogging. I take the time to upload pics there and don't want to take the time to do it here, too. I can also post thoughts quickly there without having to go into detail. Maybe I'm not a deep thinker anymore! Maybe when I try to post something to Facebook and it tells me I've used too many words, that should be my clue that I need to blog because I have more to say that FB can handle!

2. As of July 15, 2010, the Morris Family Adventures will be coming to you from Brunnsum City, the Netherlands! That's in the extreme southern part of Holland right between Germany and Belgium. I've heard it's an hour from Brussels and 4 hours from Paris. I've already spent $100 on travel guides for 4 countries and could have spent $100 more! We're going to order Rosetta Stone and start learning Dutch, though we've heard you'd be hard pressed to find someone there who doesn't speak English. We've just always felt that you should try. Being so close to Germany and Belgium, we'll probably work on learning them, too, but thought we would start with Dutch since that's who our neighbors will be.

We have no idea what kind of house we're going to have, but we will at least have an air mattress, so start saving for a European vacation!

3. This fall, I'm going to start home schooling. I was planning to do it even if we stayed state-side, but we do feel there are extra reasons to do it overseas. We won't have to plan our travel when everyone else is traveling. Plus, when we know we're going somewhere the next weekend we can alter our school schedule to learn about that place before we go.

The main reason I'm doing it is because Ethan has been unhappy in public school for the past two years and I just feel that 2nd and 3rd grade is too young to be hating school. He can be such a rough and tumble boy, but I think he needs a more sensitive teacher than he's had and hopefully I can be that for him. Also, while I've never been one to say my kid's the smartest on the block, he is really bright and I worry about the quality of education he's receiving as one of 20. Doing it at home, we'll be able to go off on tangents and follow our interests wherever they may take us.

Having never done this before, I have the very rose-colored view that we'll be able to do it all the way through and love every minute of it. I know every day won't be easy and changes will have to be made to my plan as it stands now, but I really do hope it works for us in the long haul. There are so many benefits that I won't go into now, but if you want to hear about them, just give me a call. I've become quite a fanatic and could go on about it for hours!

4. My days haven't changed much from the last time I wrote (do you remember? Long, calm and wonderfully boring.) I thought I might get bored with both kids at school all day and picked up brochures for all kinds of volunteer opportunities when we got here, but it just hasn't happened. If anything, I'm appreciating them more because I know I won't have days like this next year!

5. My depression is completely under control. I had to complete an extensive history since we're going overseas and it was really pretty wonderful to look back at where I've been and see where I am now. Even with all the trouble I had with meds last year, I was still okay mentally. I felt like crap, but I knew why and I knew who I was and that it would all be okay.

6. Blair is so happy to be almost done with school! He hasn't enjoyed it very much and has thrown thoughts of a future doctorate right out the window. He does appreciate that he's had plenty of time to work out and spend time with the family. He's also lost 22 pounds in honor of his 40th birthday and looks and feels better than he has in years! He and Ethan are hoping to have their black belts before we leave Alabama. There are no ATA schools in Europe, so they might try a different discipline over there to stay in practice, etc.

7. I have half-heartedly followed the same diet as Blair and have lost 12 pounds. Shooting for 15 more, but at least I'm back in my old jeans!

8. The kids are wonderful! They're such happy, funny, bright kids that I just love being around them. I know that's a funny thing for a mom to say, but I'm enjoying this stage tons more than I did the newborn/toddler stage. I love that we can talk and actually understand each other. I love that they get my jokes. I love that we're starting to have little inside family jokes.

They're as excited as they can be about the Netherlands. They don't really have the perspective at this age to understand what a wonderful opportunity it is. We've talked about seeing castles and battlefields, visiting Legoland and Disney Paris, and touring the BMW and Ferrari factories. They're a little sad that we're leaving the dogs behind, but they've had some time to process it and I think they'll be okay. It's so expensive to get the dogs over there and then we'd have to board them any time we took off for the weekend and Blair and I would rather save the money to see Europe. If you know anyone who wants a Sheltie or Rottweiler/Lab mix, let me know.

Let's see... I've gotten this far, I really should have a 9 and 10.

9. Up until yesterday, I was completely calm about the move and everything we have to do. Now I am freaking out! I bought a binder, folders, dividers and all kinds of labels at Wal Mart today. Got to find a way to get all this information organized. Today I'm going to clean out the file cabinets and fire-proof box and start gathering info that needs to stay with us. Then I'll start labeling furniture to stay or go because we can only take about half of our stuff.

10. My plan is to do better with this blogging thing while we're overseas. Honestly, most days I just don't feel like I have much to say, but over there it will be different. I'll have to share pictures and memories of everything we're doing to make you jealous if nothing else!

Sweet Home Alabama and Roll Tide Roll

2009-09-16T09:27:00.003-04:00

Bugs, heat and humidity. I guess we made it to Alabama in one piece. Lots of rain, too, though we might have brought that with us from New Hampshire. The move went really well. No kids got sick, no cars broke down, no dogs got lost and we managed to drag the cat from behind the hotel bed every morning when it was time to go. We spent a day in Florence with the family, then left the kids there while Blair and I came down to Prattville to inspect the house and unpack, which some would say should have made this the best move ever. Unpacking was weird. I couldn't stop crying. Rip the paper off a box, crying. Flattening out all the packing paper, crying. Filling my cabinets, crying. On Friday, Blair had had enough and sent me to spend the weekend with my mom. As best we could figure, I was already worrying about having to do all this again in one short year. Who knows what the problem really was, but it seemed to work itself out.

We were excited to get here a month before Blair and the kids started school, but it turns out we're really accustomed to our Christmas moves where everything has to move at the speed of light. We got all settled in, took some walks to learn our way around the neighborhood, went to a movie, went to the zoo, then kind of sat around looking at each other. Summer days when you don't know where to go or what to do or who to play with can get pretty long. Of course, now that school has started I think we'd all gladly go back.

Blair's school schedule is pretty nice. One class in the morning and one in the afternoon with lots of time before, after and in between for the mountains of reading he has to do. He treats it like a regular workday, leaving about 6:30 and getting home around 5, so he's not trying to read while the kids and I and all their new-found friends are running around making a racket. Still, five o'clock is so much earlier than he's ever gotten home before and we're really loving having nice long family evenings. And because everything is closer here, even the nights the kids have activities aren't as busy as they used to be.

The kids school is huge! 12 classes in each grade compared to 4 at Bicentennial and 2 at Emma's private kindergarten. I was terrified for them imagining them trying to find their way to class through that sea of people. I walked them in every morning of the first week and that seems to have calmed me. I'm not sure they were ever worried. They both like their teachers and I have no qualms with the amount of homework (I was prepared for third grade to be awful). My biggest problem, and everyone I've talked to agrees, no recess. None. No recess. In New Hampshire, school ran from 9-3 and they had two recesses. Here, we start and hour earlier and there is none. The reasoning seems to be that because they have PE every day, they don't need recess, but I think there's something different between doing an organized athletic activity and getting to just run off steam on the playground. Ethan's day is broken up a bit because his PE is about 10:30, then he has lunch at 11:45, but Emma's schedule has reading from 8:20 to 11:30, with lunch, math, PE and snack all crammed into the afternoon. Are they seriously trying to tell me that 6 year olds can study reading for three hours straight without getting wiggly and obnoxious? Could they not take a 20 minute break somewhere in there? The assistant principal fed me that line about having PE everyday and I'm really not buying it, so I may have to take my argument up the food chain.

My days at home are long and calm and quiet and I'm loving every minute of it. I exercise or run errands first thing in the morning, come home and do some chores or putter around on the computer. I read or watch TV while I'm having lunch, then have a lovely little nap before the kids get home. It's nothing special, but at the same time it's amazing. I've joined a book club (A Thousand Splendid Suns this month), a bunco group, a mom's group bible study and a lunch without kids club. And that's just enough.

The kids have tae kwon do Monday and Thursday and Emma has gymnastics on Friday, but like I said it doesn't feel like too much. Both activities are less than 10 minutes away, so that helps. It beats driving all the way out Amherst Street from south Nashua 8 times a week. We haven't settled on a church, so we're not doing the Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night thing yet either and may not ever, we'll just see how that feels when we find the right place. We miss our Thursday night small group from Nashua and joke that none we find down here will have a mandatory beer run before the opening prayer.

I also really miss my house. While living there, I complained non stop about lugging groceries upstairs and laundry downstairs, but it turns out that house was home to me. We really fit there. All of our stuff fit just right and we weren't under each other's feet all the time. The kids could go in the playroom or their rooms and we didn't have to tell them to be quiet all the time. Sound really carries in this house because all the living areas are completely open. It was also the first house I had that was completely decorated. I had drapes in every room and everything was coordinated. Now, because we're just trying to make do for a year everything's all a jumble again and I don't like it.

I miss New Hampshire. I miss my church family, my tae kwon do family, my house, my neighborhood, Bicentennial school, trees, the weather and all those fun historical things there were to do. Even though we didn't get around to do most of them because we were simply enjoying living there. We didn't have much time to be tourists, which is just fine with me.

Moving on

2009-06-19T19:30:00.002-04:00

I wish I posted on my blog as often as I think about my blog. Things happen all the time that I think would be good to write about, I just don't get around to it.

Right off the bat, I want to let you know I'm doing so well lately. I'm feeling really great. Stopped one med and reduced the other and I am completely back to myself. I'm chatty and happy and moving through my days with relative ease.

Emma graduated from kindergarten last week. It was the cutest ceremony, but you'll have to wait for pics because we only used the film camera (egad!) I couldn't get any good pics with the digital and was too busy crying anyway.

That night she had a bit of a breakdown because she realized she wouldn't be seeing her friends anymore. It really broke our hearts, but she had one more day of school and has been fine since then. She's ready to move to Alabama and see Grandma!

Ethan's last day is Monday, the 22nd, so he's been enjoying party week at school. The packers come the 24th, so next week will be full of play dates for them. They'll take two days to pack, then load the truck on Friday, the 26th. We'll relocate to a hotel for a couple days, then close on the house on the 30th and head to base for Blair to sign out.

After that, we're heading home!!

Well, That Didn't Work

2009-04-05T16:45:00.004-04:00

I took my last Pristiq (remember, the duo neurotransmitter med aka double trouble) a week ago Thursday. Today I'm going to tell you all about it, which shouldn't take too long because basically I've been curled up in a ball crying on the couch, the bed and the floor.

First off, I should tell you I was only expecting to feel a little dizzy and light-headed. This is the main side effect they warn you about when weaning off this type of medicine. I don't know why it happens, but I can tell you that it most certainly does happen. It's kind of like when you stand up too fast, but in this case also happens when you turn around, turn your head or move your eyeballs. At one point I was sitting still watching tv and my whole face felt fizzy.

Secondly, Dr. J told me the weaning off side effects would hit about 24-48 hours after taking the last pill. I misunderstood this and thought she said the side effects would have worn off 24-48 hours after they started. Basically, I thought I would feel as I had been feeling (crying and miserable) for two days, then the side effects would kick in and last for two days and then I would feel good again. Or at least normal.

Finally, she said to plan the weaning off time when nothing big or stressful was going to be happening. Hmmm. We're putting the house on the market in April. Trying to keep it immaculately clean with two kids and three pets for the next 90 days. Dealing with packers, movers, medical records and new schools in June. The day when nothing big or stressful is happening for me might occur in November. The best I could come up with was making sure Blair wasn't going to be out of town, so I would have support at home for whatever might happen. Good thing I did, too.

Throughout the week on the reduced dose I noticed I was getting increasingly irritable with the kids, dogs, other drivers and little old ladies at the supermarket. "Irritability" is the medical term for the rage I experience when depressed. I've always thought that was kind of funny. This rage/irritability was the biggest reason I got on meds to begin with. I never wanted to rage at the kids. I just don't want that in their life. Anyway, I caught myself gritting my teeth, swearing and just being tense. Thankfully, I never had a full-on rage at the kids, but I did treat them badly a couple times, which led to much guilt and many more tears.

I was also crying or feeling on the edge of crying all the time. No rhyme or reason. Just hurting and sobbing. I cried so much the skin on my face hurt from wiping it so often. I cried so much I wondered what a nervous breakdown feels like and who really decides if you're having one and what would Blair do if I ended up in the hospital. Finally, last Monday, only 3 full days after stopping the medication, I called Dr. J's office. I pressed 1 for this and 2 for that and when I finally got to a human, I burst into tears because I wasn't sure if I'd pressed the right combination of numbers to get to the appointment lady. Somehow I don't think I was the first person to do this. I got an appointment set up for lunchtime that day and cried from relief.

Meanwhile, Blair kept calling home to check on me and saying to call if I needed him. Eventually, he decided I needed him whether I knew it or not and told the boss he was heading home for the day. When he called to tell me I burst into tears again, from relief, support and the love of my best friend, I'm guessing. He told me not to worry about him and the kids when I was talking to Dr. J. That if we decided I needed to be in the hospital that we would work it out.

After all this build up, the appointment itself was a quick and dirty, no nonsense affair. I told Dr. J I was irritable and couldn't stop crying. She assured me that this was not the real me. These were all side effects of coming off the meds. She told me they would go away over time and asked if I could make it another week or so. I told her I'd end up in the hospital if we did that. She asked if I wanted to start another medicine and I told her yes and by the way can we mainline 400 milligrams straight into my brain? I'm trying Lexapro this time and have worked my way up three days each at 5, 10 and now 15 mgs.

Almost immediately, the tears dried up and I started feeling better. Literally. Amazingly. I don't feel great yet. I'm still a bit irritable and sometimes feel on the edge of crying, but it's all 100 times better. So, that's where I am today. Thanks for listening.

Medication: Trial and Error… Mostly Error

2009-03-26T15:38:00.000-04:00

Here in New Hampshire, my desk sits in front of a wonderful bay window. I’m looking out at a robin exploring my newly revealed yard, crocus and tulips peaking through the dirt and people out walking, enjoying the 50 degree afternoons. So why am I crying? Why am I anxious all the time? Why am I totally not myself these days? The doctor and I think and I hope and I pray it’s simply the wrong anti-depressant for my chemistry. For the last two weeks, I’ve been tapering off and today I took the last Pristiq I hope I will ever take.

The following descriptions constitute my limited understanding of anti-depressants: Pristiq is an anti-depressant that affects two of the three neurotransmitters, serotonin and norepinephrine. In the past, the drugs I’ve been on have been serotonin only or SSRIs, selective serotonin re-uptake inhibitors, which basically means that we think the neurotransmitters are sucking up too much of the serotonin and causing depression. By regulating this “re-uptake”, we hope to regulate the depression. In my case, we’ve done so much experimenting this year that we thought the double shot of Pristiq might be just the key we’ve been looking for. Turns out… not so much.

Since early February, I haven’t felt myself. I’ve been quiet and reserved, able to participate in discussions and even laugh, but not to instigate the discussions themselves. I’ve had no motivation and I mean NO motivation. I’ve watched increasingly more television, while doing less of everything else. Errands aren’t getting done, grocery shopping is put off until the cupboards are bare, play time is very limited and exercise non-existent. To be honest, I don’t even want to shower, wash my face or brush my teeth. My face is broken out and I’m gaining weight.

Also, the longer I’ve been on it, the more anxious I’ve gotten. That’s the only way I know to describe it. I just have this sick to my stomach feeling all the time. Then about two weeks ago, I started crying. A lot. Pretty much all the time. Actually, I’m not sure I’ve stopped yet.

I tried to explain it all away by saying that with the house about to go on the market in a must-sell situation in a buyer’s market and a crappy economy all followed by a move to a new state is enough to make anyone anxious. I’m sure I tried to explain it 16 other ways, too, it’s just that these things creep up on you and meds and your own faulty wiring aren’t the first thing you think of. You think about PMS, you think you’ve just been too busy lately and you think you just need the damn sun to come out and the snow to melt!

Then you have the opportunity to spend the weekend with the girls and you don’t even look forward to it, you don’t even pack for it, you don’t even gas up the car or get any cash out until you’re half way there because you just don’t have the wherewithal to be excited or the motivation to do anything. You get there and you can’t relax and you can’t be your chatty, fun-loving, obnoxiously loud laughing self (and when did this turn into a third person description?) and your friends say, “you sure are quiet” and that light bulb over your head gives a little flicker.

Another thing I wondered about was that maybe this was a new version of normal for me. That maybe without pinging up and down, this is what the middle looks like. The doctor always says consistency is our goal. There will be good days and bad days for me as for anyone, but consistency over time is what we’re searching for. So I start thinking is this the middle I’ve always wanted? This doesn’t feel very good and now I start to think this is why people go off their meds. And that, my friends, really scared me.

I’ve always been committed to being the healthiest person with depression and bi-polar II that I can be, for myself and my family. I believe quality talk therapy and medication are the keys to my mental health. Once I started on meds, I believed I would be on them forever to keep me in balance and stave off a recurrence of major depression. I never thought I would be one of those people who would say, “I can’t stand the way this medicine makes me feel, so I’m going to quit”. That’s how bad this has been. Once I realized it was the drug and not me, all I wanted to do was get it all out of my system.

I finally broke down and called the doctor and boy did I feel like a problem patient. A few weeks before, I’d been in there saying I was okay, a little flat and not motivated, but not depressed either. Now I was back, bawling my eyes out and saying nothing is good, nothing is working. My wonderful Dr. J kept her cool and just kept calmly asking questions until we were on the same page and using the same vocabulary. She explained that one of the side-effects of using Pristiq can be a flat affect that you might not even notice, but your friends will. She hadn’t realized from my past descriptions of how I was feeling that this was going on with me. We agreed to taper off the medication, then have two weeks with me on no meds at all before our next appointment.

So, that’s where I am today. I have successfully tapered off the meds even though I wanted to throw them away the day I figured out they were the problem. Now for the first time since 2004, I’m going to be “drug-free”. I’m a little worried about that if you want to know the truth. Again, I’m committed to being healthy and I believe in medication. I’m a little scared to be on my own.

I hope I’m not too much of a problem friend. Thanks for listening.

Do-It-Yourselfers

2009-01-21T19:56:00.002-05:00

Since I wrote Six Random Things About Me the other day, er month, I've been thinking about all Blair and I have done together over the years. We've done everything from clean out and paint to installing sprinkler systems and re-finishing hard wood floors. In our current house, we've knocked down walls and learned to lay tile. We've changed out every light fixture and every door knob. And before you start thinking this is a real estate ad (though you're sure welcome to come take a look!) let me reiterate, this is just a blog about me and Blair working together.

There are a couple of reasons why this works for us:

First, we never want to spend the money for someone else to do it. I think we both learned this from our DIY parents. Sometimes I think that everything my mom knows, she learned because the so-called experts charged too much. If I needed to refinish or even build furniture, she and Dad would be there. Same for reupholstering, matting and framing, plumbing, working on the car... She once helped a friend of mine rebuild his engine! Of course, she did have a vested interest in getting it out of her garage.

Second, we have those four parents to call when we need instruction or advice. They've done it all and can always help even when they can't actually be there to lend a hand. Just the other day we needed to remove a pop rivet. Pop rivets aren't really meant to come back out. With one quick phone call, we found out how to do it and what tools to use, then we got back to work. (Not sure I ever said thank you, Dad!) And that's another thing, our wonderful parents know how we are and buy the tools for us. Or donate them to the cause. Or gladly hand them down. I could probably count the tools we've purchased ourselves on one hand.

Third, and perhaps most important, we never have a melt down at the same time. There are certainly moments when we think something's just not going to work, but the other one's always there to encourage and cajole. Five minutes later, the other one has a near breakdown and we just switch roles. Sometimes we argue about methods and sometimes I think he never likes my ideas, but all this means is we need a coke break.

Simply put, I love working with Blair. I guess it really works because I just like being with Blair. I love when we finally quit at the end of the day, get cleaned up, throw a pizza in the oven for dinner and collapse on the couch. I love that we get to look back and say, "we did that" and best of all we did it together.

Six Random Things About Me

2009-01-15T13:26:00.002-05:00

I've been double-tagged by Tara and Kim to post six random things about myself. Tara, Kim and I met in Florida and, thankfully, have kept in touch even though I live in NH now. I'm much looking forward to getting back together with them when we're living in AL.

Here are the rules:

1. Link to the person who tagged you.
2. Post the rules on your blog.
3. Write six random things about yourself.
4. Tag six people at the end of your post and link to them.
5. Let each person know they've been tagged and leave a comment on their blog.
6. Let the tagger know when your entry is up.

Here are six random things about me:

1. I'm thankful that I've been able to help others through my experiences with depression and bi-polar disorder. As you may have seen through this blog, I'm pretty open with what's going on in my head and I've been able to help those who've never personally suffered from mental illness to understand and deal with it in the people around them, as well as helping those who have it to know they're not alone.

2. I am an organized perfectionist and come completely unglued when I can't find something around the house. It should be where it's supposed to be, dammit! Thankfully, this doesn't happen often.

3. The older I get, the more I look like my mom, who is my best friend. I wish we lived across the street from each other.

4. I actually love all the do-it-yourself work Blair and I do around the house. We work so well together that it makes it fun. We have never had a "near-divorce" experience due to a household project. Of course, we've never laid carpet... I hear that's the killer.

5. I love, and even better, like my children, but I don't feel all mushy about them and I feel guilty about that.

6. I love the computer game Zuma and have near-daily battles with Blair and my parents for best times and highest scores. I could care less about the PS2 we got the kids for Christmas.

For the sake of honesty, I'm doing a number 7. I don't know how to link to someone in my blog post!! I tried, but nothing showed up. If you want to see Tara's or Kim's blogs, they are listed at left (Murphree's Law and Observations from an earthroamer). Also, most everyone I know who blogs has already been tagged, so I'm going to tag Karen and Emily, but that's all I got.

Back from a new low

2009-01-13T12:52:00.002-05:00

Just wanted to do a quick post to let those of you following along that I'm doing much better. Got off the old meds, got on some new meds and am feeling nicely even these days. Stressing out a bit and worrying about getting the house ready to sell, but handling that better than I would have before. Thanks for all of your support.

Down the Rabbit Hole

2008-11-18T16:35:00.002-05:00

Now is probably not a good time to talk about how I feel when I'm depressed because I'm currently trudging through my fifth week of the mire. But I'm going to do it anyway. It's getting pretty bad. I'm doing a lot of sitting around and all my old negativity is creeping back in. Well, it was creeping. Today it feels like a full-on assault. Here's a glimpse:

I don't keep the house clean.
I don't cook for my family.
I don't keep up with the dishes.
I don't keep up with the shopping.
I don't bathe my kids often enough.
I don't play with my kids often enough.
I don't help Ethan with his homework.
I don't encourage Emma to read.
I'm too busy running my mouth to watch them at sporting events.
I don't walk my dogs.
My cat peed on the dog bed because I don't clean her litterbox.
I can't get the laundry put away before it's time to do it again.
I don't iron for my husband.
I don't cook for my husband.

Seems like there's more, but that's more than I can handle right now anyway. I'm not currently raging, so thank God and the meds for that.

When this started, I thought it was a simple case of PMS. I usually have a day or two that I wander around the house singing the Gravity song from Schoolhouse Rock. You know, "down, down, down, down, gravity". I usually think it's a positive sign that I can sing when I feel this way. Then it got to be the next week and the next and now five weeks later it's only getting worse. The doc is tinkering with my meds and pissed off that I'm moving next summer and she hasn't gotten me straightened out yet. I have had a few good days since she increased one medication, but even those weren't as good as they were before.

When I started seeing Pearle back in 2004, we worked really hard on this negative thought issue and I thought I was done with it. She pointed out to me that for a person with depression, I was doing a lot. I was getting out of bed every day, feeding, dressing and caring for my children and getting them safely to and from pre-school. Trust me, these are accomplishments. I didn't see taking care of my children as the same thing as spending time with my children, so I had to re-work that. I also had to learn that my view of being a stay at home mom and housewife was based on June Cleaver and Betty Crocker and other miscellaneous 1950's television shows. Sounds silly, but I expected a lot of myself and I never measured up. I didn't even really try to measure up. I had to learn to see what I did do instead of what I should or ought to have done. Pearle hated the shoulds and oughts. For example, I did get out of bed today. I did keep my children healthy and happy today. I did pay the bills today. I did empty the dishwasher today. Maybe I didn't cook, but we didn't starve, we just ate a less balanced meal than would have been optimal. Okay, so it wasn't an perfect day, but it was a good day. It was good enough.

I had to learn to hear those negative thoughts that run like muzac in the back of your mind all the live long day. Once I learned to hear them, I had to stop them. Then I had to learn to argue with them; to see something positive to counteract them. Finally, they went away and my soundtrack became something different. Acceptance and appreciation, maybe.

For the first time in 33 years, I accepted myself as I was. I accepted my body, my personality, my mothering style, my homemakering style and the fact that I don't like to cook. That, my friends, is a wonderful feeling. I don't buy into the idea that if you're too accepting of yourself you won't change and grow. I think you can't change and grow if you don't have a healthy starting point. Acceptance and appreciation of myself didn't mean I thought I'd achieved perfection, rather that I could see my imperfection and that it is good enough.

But, oh boy are they creeping up on me now. I'm fighting, but it is really hard. I really don't like my life right now. It's not organized. My kids don't have enough time to go to school, be kids, have dinner, do homework and get baths every day. This must be my fault because I'm the one in charge of their lives. I don't know how to do it. I can't seem to get it right for them. Not to mention all the things I need to do that I have plenty of time for, but am just not getting done. Or am choosing to not get them done, which is how I really see it, I guess.

None of this blabbering is really helping anyone, I just thought I'd get it off my chest and give you a glimpse into my screwed up head. I see the doctor again on Friday and she's going to start lowering one medication so she can add in another. I think it's going to be awhile before I'm all evened out again and that is a terrifying proposition. I was so healthy before. I guess every time, I hope it's the last time and I'm really sad to be here again.

There once was a girl who had a little curl

2008-10-29T17:31:00.003-04:00

Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was up, she was very, very up
And when she was down, she was horrid.

Well, I've been meaning to write about my depression/Bi-Polar II for awhile now, but always seem to get too deep into the details. I'm going to try to do a little better with an overview this time.

Looking back, I think I suffered from depression throughout my teenage/college years without knowing it. I was first diagnosed at 23 after a seven month period of being alternately distant and detached and raging for hours on end. I could be perfectly normal when I had to be, but would just sit uninterested in anything when I was alone, or rage at the drop of a hat with Blair. Losing interest in things for a long period of time, feeling worthless and hopeless and being irritable are all classic signs of depression. Although, I must admit the word irritable has always made me laugh because it comes nowhere close to describe my depression-related anger.

So, I found a pretty good therapist and got on the upswing to health pretty quickly. Knowing what it was helped me to see that I had a major depressive period at least every 18 months from then on. Sometimes I drank too much, I always smoked too much and I raged all the time. I would rage at Blair for some little thing, then I would cry, then I would rage at myself for my horrible behavior. This could take hours. All the while, behaving as a normal person at work, church, etc, which I now know prevented me from getting help when I needed it. It also made it much easier for me to blame myself for my lack of self-control.

Along the way, I started reading and learning about depression. My goal has always been to learn enough about this illness and how it manifests itself in me to be able to see it coming and head it off or deal with it more quickly. That said, it probably took me 10 years to really get to that point. My current doctor says I pay way too much attention to my emotions and start worrying about depression when I'm just having a normal bad day. I still say it's better to pay attention than to be blind sided by it.

Anyway, when we moved to Florida, we left Idaho in October, arrived in FL in December and didn't get a house until late January. All of this upheaval had me so far down in the black hole that I couldn't even walk to the mailbox. Since I had children by this point, I knew I couldn't just rage my way through it. I was already terrified that they would inherit it or that their lives would be completely screwed up by having me for their mother. So I decided to try anti-depressants for the first time. I had tried the herbal supplement St. John's Wort in the past with success, but this time I was downing a dozen a day with no notable effect.

My fears with meds were that it would take a long time to find the one that worked and that I would never be able to stop taking them. I was very lucky that the first one I tried did help and I was able to get on with the business of figuring myself out. As for the second worry, I learned that you can't just stop and start and expect the medicine to work as well when you need it again. Often there has to be much tinkering with dosages and even different meds. The safest choice for me is to stay on the medication because I don't ever want to get to that point again. To be that person again. To have to remain miserable while searching for a new med. Luckily, the first one I tried did work for me for about a year and when I needed to change, I was in a much better position to work through the fluctuations.

That's all for today. I'm going to go help Blair get dinner ready and try to write about the many things I learned about myself from the most wonderful therapist in the world, Pearle Brown, very soon.

New SpringWidget

2008-10-27T09:31:00.001-04:00

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The Morris' Go Minimalist

2008-09-30T12:34:00.012-04:00

I've got to tell you all, I just dusted my house and it took a whopping 20 minutes. Now, those of you who've known me longer than 15 minutes know dusting is not my favorite thing to do. I would probably choose to do it absolutely last. After scrubbing toilets and changing dirty diapers. But now? Now it makes me positively giddy.

See, I stripped my house of all unnecessary clutter. All of it. Gone. Sold at the yard sale, dropped off at the Salvation Army or taken to the dump. I've been following a blog at http://unclutterer.com and one day he posted a simple plan for uncluttering your whole house. (I couldn't get the actual link to post, but you can find it in my left sidebar.) He recommended taking down everything but necessities and living with it a few days. If you need a little more for your home to feel cozy or decorated, add a couple things back, then live with that for a few days. This way you work into it slowly and maybe don't end up with as much as you started with.

So, I took everything down. I left lamps on tables. That's it. I took candles, knick knacks and photos off of bookcases. I rearranged my bookcases so they're all full of books with no nooks and crannies on the ends that would be calling out for stuff to fill them.

Then I took all the photos out of the frames. I sorted through the frames keeping only those I loved. I scanned all the photos, then decided which of those I dearly loved. And then, I looked over all the knick knacks. Which of them actually meant something to me (us) and which were just for show?

The chifarobe in the dining room was now empty because it used to be full of books. We've been planning to convert it to a curio cabinet, so it became the new home of the knick knacks worth keeping and that's all it is. The bookcases are for books and the curio cabinet is for curios! Funny, spell check didn't say anything about curios, maybe that's actually what it means.

Sadly, I didn't take any before pictures, but I've found this one which is an accurate representation of what every surface in my house used to look like. This beautiful cabinet had a lamp, a candle, a model sailboat from Kuwait and 3 photos.

And my kitchen hutch had roughly 30 items on its 5 shelves. There were 7 pictures, 4 bowls, 5 baskets, 2 vases, a pitcher, a pie plate, a recipe box, a wedding tray, a candle, some tiny souvenirs and more!

Here's the new and improved dry sink:

And here's the new hutch:

For me, dusting used to take all day. I took everything off whatever piece of furniture I was doing. I sprayed and wiped the furniture. I used a different cloth to wipe pictures and do-dads. Things that wouldn't come clean took a trip to the sink to be wiped with a damp cloth. Then I put everything back.

I still use two cloths, but it's so easy, I actually love to do it. I love to keep my beautiful furniture free of dog hair. I love to see that pretty wood shining. And most of all, I love that it only takes 20 minutes!

Our Trip to Bebe's Graduation

2008-09-21T18:46:00.011-04:00

Guess I'm on a roll today. It's fun and easy getting caught up this way instead of every blog having to be an article about our life. So this one is about a trip to Alabama we took in May. Blair's niece, Elizabeth, was graduating from high school and that was something we couldn't miss. Not that it was a surprising event or anything...

I think we drove about 1200 miles in 2 days, so we all got a little crazy and giggly. We sang, danced, stuffed pillows on our heads, sang and danced with pillows on our heads and made fun of crossword puzzle writers.

On the way, we stopped at The Gettysburg National Military Park. The way we move around, we might never be this close again and decided it was worth a 100 mile or so detour. If you're ever in the area, it is a wonderful museum, but huge and a bit much for kids. I finally decided to get them to the gift shop and we told Blair we'd meet him at the movie screen. Problem was, there were about 12 movie screens. We all did a fair amount of running around feeling lost, so we had no trouble sleeping in strange beds that night at the hotel.

I don't have any actual pictures from Bebe's graduation because my camera didn't work well in the dark auditorium. When we got outside I was a little distracted because I thought Blair had Emma and he thought Nana had Emma and I truly thought she might have been taken. I know the reality is that stranger abduction is rare, but in that mass of people, I thought it might have been someone's perfect opportunity. Turns out Nana did have her and everything was fine, but it was a terrifying few minutes and I was crying to hard to take any pictures. Here are a couple from the night before:

The kids took a trip to Birmingham in the RV with Grandma and Grandpa and thoroughly enjoyed their weekend "roughing it". They swam, played on the playground and went to the Children's Museum where Ethan tried out a bed of nails:

On the way home, we stopped at the main Tennessee welcome center, which is built on the banks of the Tennessee River Nick-A-Jack Reservoir. Standing in line for the restroom, I ran into a girl named Kelly who I spent every day playing with from the time I was 7 until we moved when I was 11. She looked at me, I looked at her, she said, "Is your name Alyssa?" I said, "Yes! Are you Kelly?" We got caught up a bit and met each others children, then went on our way. Different destinations, but still pretty cool running into someone from so far back.

We stopped at a McDonalds somewhere in Virginia and had an absolute blast playing in the deserted play place. I was running around to the ends of the tubes trying to take the kids pictures and they were trying to avoid me. Sounds simple, but boy was it fun:

Finally, we stopped at Blair's aunt and uncle's house in Maryland. Doug and Ann had recently bought a new sail boat in NH and needed some help getting all their stuff up there to sail it back to MD. We went for a boat ride in Chesapeake Bay and enjoyed a wonderful dinner (Ann is a caterer) before taxing our new trailer to its limits with all their boat batteries, life boats and other necessary seafaring items.

Last, but not least, did you know if you pick dandelions, put them in a glass of water and leave them for two weeks, they still turn into wish flowers? I didn't either, but they do! They keep sucking water out of that glass until it's gone and still try to make more dandelions! Weeds, who needs 'em? Little girls and boys, I guess.

I'm done for today. Gotta go do mommy things like trim nails and tuck kiddos into bed. Up next: ice fishing, Ethan's 7th birthday party and record breaking snowfall. Kind of fun going through my year backwards.

Memories of June

2008-09-21T12:40:00.006-04:00

Still in the catching up phase. I know I've written since June, it just doesn't seem I've posted pictures lately. June for us Yankees means end of school parties. For Emma that was a pizza/pool party at her friend Caroline's:

And for Ethan, a young author's tea and goofing around with best friend, Ryan:

We went to beach comb and have dinner with our "most fun friends" at Rye Beach:

Finally, the kids and I went to a sand sculpting competition at Hampton Beach. We didn't participate, I just drug the kids around looking at the sculptures until I couldn't keep them out of the water anymore. You can see what they thought of it.

Past History

2008-09-21T07:07:00.014-04:00

Just a little catching up on things I've wanted to tell you all along. This morning Ethan said, "What are you guys doing up so early?" He has always been my early riser, so this was quite hilarious. I thought I'd use the time wisely. I'm going to go back through time, so I don't shock you with snow right off the bat. Probably by the time I'm blogging about last year's snow, this year's snow will be flying.

In August, we went to the zoo, which led to this art experiment:

Emma rode a two-wheeler (once, then demanded her training wheels be put back on):

Then we made Christmas ornaments! I slept too late one morning and the kids discovered my glitter stash. I bought the glitter years ago for just such an occasion as this. I just thought it would happen in December.

The kids got haircuts to get ready for school and Ethan lost his first front tooth. For a few short weeks, my kid's smiles matched (Em lost hers years ago in a freak jeep/swing incident).

We had a monster of a yard sale and found some beautiful red maple leaves. Yes, in August! I love New Eng... Well, you know.

And finally, on my birthday, Ethan finally got his new dirt bike. Blair always promised that when E could ride a two-wheeler he would get a dirt bike. Personally, I'm glad Blair drags his feet on spending this kind of money because I'm a lot more comfortable with Ethan on a dirt bike now than I would've been two years ago.

Well, that's our August. I've got to get ready for church, so will do more later.

My Nature vs. Nurture

2008-08-11T15:55:00.001-04:00

I've always thought of myself more like a football coach than a cheerleader. I'm more apt to say shake it off, you're tough, just do it, than the syrupy sweet 'come on, come on, you can do it'.

I pay through the nose for a good photographer, because I cannot stand to peek over her shoulder making funny faces and squeaky voices trying to get my kids to say cheese. I would just smile and say through my gritted teeth, ‘sit still and smile and it better be a good smile’. I was once so frustrated with Ethan, I think the photographer was afraid to let me take him home. Wouldn’t you know, I put him in his seat, loaded up the stroller, got in the car and turned to look at him and he lit up with the most angelic smile I’d ever seen. Of course, I couldn’t help but laugh. He was happy, he just didn’t feel like sitting still that day. That’s when I discovered expensive photographers. And if you’re ever in northwest Alabama with a cranky kid, I’ll send you the number.

Same thing with food. I tired very early on of cajoling my kids into eating. Cajole is one of my favorite words with children. Sometimes I tell Blair I’m exhausted just from calming, convincing and cajoling the kids all day. Parenthood is so much more a mental thing than a physical thing. Anyway, I don’t like to be all cutesy across the table, telling my kids how yummy broccoli is and doesn’t it look like little trees and won’t they be so proud of themselves if they try it and what if it turns out they like it. I just say, ‘eat your broccoli’. Usually followed by, ‘or you’ll sit here until bed’.

I probably should have been a parent in the ‘50s. But that’s a whole ‘nother blog.

Typically, I’m quite accepting of my mothering style. I’ve done a lot of work and study to learn to accept myself, to know that I’m okay and to stop comparing myself to other moms. Also to realize that what I see of those other moms is just the face they present to the world, when the reality is most of them are scrambling to keep up with motherhood just as I am.

I don’t know if it’s because I’ve been a bit down lately or if I’ve met some truly exceptional moms, but I haven’t been feeling very nurturing lately and it’s made me very sad.

One of my NH friends is so in love with her children it oozes from her pores. The way she looks at them, the way she talks about them… Sometimes it puts me to shame. She’s a very open person like I am, so I know she has bad days. I know she doesn’t play with them a lot (like me) and I know she was in heaven when her husband took them camping a couple weeks ago, as I would have been, but she’s just so in love with them.

Another friend of mine just had her first baby and she is ecstatic! Now, first baby, you might say, of course she’s in love with him. Of course she’s ecstatic. She’s still high from the drugs and the sleeplessness hasn’t set in yet. The thing is, I don’t remember feeling that way. I loved being pregnant, but I was scared to death of Ethan when he was born. I didn’t have a clue what to do with him or for him. I didn’t know how to calm him and I didn’t know how to feed him. If not for Blair, I don’t think we would have made it home from the hospital. All of this fear and confusion made mothering Ethan a very hard job for me. And it did feel like a job. And it felt like a job I was woefully unprepared for and shouldn’t have been hired for. Kind of like I’d been hired to be a brain surgeon with just my marketing degree.

This is the most depressing thing ever, but I don’t remember Ethan’s first year as being very happy. I was in a seriously deep and undiagnosed post-partum depression, so I’m not really to blame, but I don’t feel like he had the mom he deserved to have.

Ugh, anyway. The point of all of this is that I don’t feel very nurturing and I’m starting to realize that my opportunities for it are waning. How much longer is Ethan going to want me to tuck him in to bed? How much longer is Emma going to crawl all over me like I’m a jungle gym if I keep telling her to get off? She’s already much less snuggly than he is. This year, I’ve been very gently teaching her to give hugs, kisses and I love you’s at bed time. I do hug, kiss and say I love you, I’m not a ‘cold’ mom, but why did I have to teach her how to do this?

Here’s what Blair would say: Ethan wouldn’t hold onto your neck begging for one more song’s worth of snuggling at bedtime if he didn’t love you. Emma wouldn’t ask to play with you all day long if she didn’t love you. Our kids will never depend on others for their happiness because you’ve taught them to be independent. Our kids aren’t slowed by injuries because you haven’t fawned and freaked out over every boo-boo.

I just don’t want them to ever doubt that they are loved. I want them to know how much I cherish them. I want them to feel truly cared for. I guess I should finish up this post and go join them for story time in their living room campground. See ya.

Sometimes I'm a Broken Record

2008-07-28T15:14:00.002-04:00

Someday (perhaps already) people won't know what that means. I'm down the last couple of days. Having mommy-guilt, feeling bored, knowing there are things to be done and not getting them done. Funny how you can be going along just fine, then instead of one thing going wrong, it all seems to be wrong.

At this very moment, my kids are playing happily. Together. How can I have mommy-guilt about that? Last week Ethan and I had a long talk about things vs. friends and I felt incapable of teaching that lesson. I felt like I don't have enough time with them to teach all the lessons. I felt like even if I had enough time, I still wouldn't teach the lessons. I immediately dug around in the kitchen and added more stuff to the yard sale pile. I want to practice what I preach, you know.

I'm overwhelmed by my stuff. For the first time in my life, I can't find the things I need. I've laid them down or tucked them away (somewhere logical of course), but then I can't find them. On top of this is my known mastery of house cleaning and I feel like if I had less stuff, it would be easier to keep it under control. Everywhere I look, I have an internal debate. Is that necessary? Do I love it? Could I borrow it from the library? And, of course, does it fit? I've actually gotten really good at throwing out clothes. I'm tired of waiting to lose that 10 pounds and I don't like looking in my closet at stuff I don't feel good wearing. I've tucked back maybe 4 things that might fit me someday. Strangely enough, the extra ten pounds isn't bothering me today. Maybe I should stop talking about it!

Mostly what I look at is books and knick knacks. I have tons of picture frames on every flat surface and candles and pretties and none of them are necessary. Except to keep our home from looking like a monk's quarters. The urge to purge books is very strange because I've never been comfortable in a home without books. I've had a bookcase for as long as I can remember and carried a book with me everywhere since the 4th grade. I grew up in a veritable library and used it and appreciated it. I've always wanted my kids to grow up that way, too. But now I look and try to think when I last read that one, what's it even about, did I like it? The next logical thought for someone trying to pare back is that if I ever get the urge to read that again I can check it out from the library. But it doesn't seem right. Who knows, the way the world is today, the crazy books I read will all get banned and burned, so I should keep my copies.

Gotta run get the kids ready for tae kwan do. More soon...

Lys

The Pros and Cons of Lightning

2008-07-06T18:55:00.002-04:00

Two weeks ago, we went to Boston for Emma's follow-up appointment. The docs were great and her swelling had gone down about 75%, so they don't want to see her again for 3 months. We found out for sure (thanks to the MRI and a tube down my sweetie's nose, which only made her giggle by the way) that the lymphangioma does not reach into Emma's mouth or throat. That means it's really just a vanity issue in her case. This is what we thought, but confirmation is always good.

On the way home we struggled through a traffic jam, then a big southern-type thunder storm. We had to go past home to pick up Ethan from a play date and were completely exhausted. When we got home, Ethan lay on the couch complaining that he couldn't get the TV to turn on, "no matter what button I push!" Blair and I were trying to get settled, so we hollered instructions for awhile before finally making our way into the living room.

We discovered the green light was on on the TV, but it was completely dead as was the cable box (my DVR!) Our next discovery was the 'yellow' computer monitor. We tried re-booting and the computer didn't come back on. We also lost the basement TV, both garage door openers (thank God it's not winter), our cordless phones and Blair's electric razor charging/cleaning station. My hair dryer was dead for a day or so, but then came back.

The next day when the kids and I were loading up in the van, I noticed the main gate to our back yard was shattered along the bottom. Now this is the gate I build, mind you, with my own two hands. But... I guess I'll let mother nature win this round. Anyway, while inspecting the fence, I looked up and noticed several pieces of siding kind of pushed out. We think that's where the lightning exited the house.

Turns out it hit several people on our block, as well as all over town. It's been a very southern-type spring/summer up here with lots of storms. When it's not 70 degrees and completely dry, that is. Do you know I really, really love it here in New England?

We're lucky that we have a laptop and one television that didn't get hit. We set up shop in the office because the living room TV is too big for us to move without help. We have an old VCR and DVD player and had the new cable box installed in there. We also moved the love seat in because it's usually only have a rocking chair and the desk chairs. I loaded the necessary software on the laptop and have at least been able to continue living!

So, here's how I sort of tally things up.

Cons:
Big insurance deductible.
The house could have burned down.

Pros:
The kids now know what to do if they're caught out in a thunder storm.
New super-fast computer w/big, beautiful monitor.
42" LCD HDTV on the way. (smaller, lighter, clearer, brighter, what's not to love?
No treadmill torture for me without a basement TV.
Confirmation that our insurance company is wonderful.

And the best thing about your house being hit by lightning:
I can keep up with the housework because we're not using the living room!

PS I've been receiving some negative feedback about our Christmas picture (you know who you are!) I'm going to update it as soon as we find out if the Geek Squad was able to rescue our hard drive. Deal with it. Ha!

Back in the children's ER?

2008-06-20T13:53:00.006-04:00

This will all be greek to you, so before I tell you what's going on now, here's a quick refresher on Emma's lymphangioma:

October 2004: discovered swelling under Em's right jawline. Pediatrician diagnosed extra lymph tissue and ordered ultrasound. ENT couldn't confirm diagnosis and ordered CT scan. ENT still didn't like pictures and ordered needle biopsy.

February 2005: ENT nicked blood vessel during biopsy and Em's cheek swelled up like a baseball. ENT didn't see her in the ER because he would have had to delay his vacation. Went to 2nd ER where doc said "OMG" and sent her by ambulance to 3rd ER at Sacred Heart in Pensacola. Emma was admitted for 5 days for observation of swelling that first doc wouldn't even examine.

March 2005: Blood drained, diagnosis confirmed, Lymphangioma. Extra lymph tissue that extends from Em's chin to behind her right ear. It is difficult to remove in infants & toddlers because, unlike a cyst, it has many pockets and wraps around all the blood vessels and nerves in her neck. We decided to leave it until she was bigger &/or it became an issue for her.

This picture is from our father's day silliness:

Present Day

Last Wednesday, Emma's lymphangioma swelled up to about the size of a lime. We haven't seen it this big since her biopsy in 2005. Since we had gone through all of the diagnostic testing in 04-05 and I knew what it was, it really didn't bother me that much. I gave her some Motrin (not sure why, it's fluid not inflammation) and took her to pre-school. I knew it was obvious and talked to the teachers about it so the child welfare people wouldn't be showing up on my doorstep. Then I took her to a pool party Wed afternoon, left her with a sitter Thurs night and let her participate in tae kwon do Friday. My basic explanation was a kind of hand-waving, it's nothing sort of thing.

Blair got home from Florida late Friday night and flipped out. I had told him it was swelling, but he didn't think it would be that big. He couldn't believe I hadn't called the doc and wanted to take her to the ER immediately. Since it was midnight and she wasn't in pain, I convinced him to wait until morning. I set my alarm (something that never happens on Saturday!) and took her to Southern NH Medical Center.

I felt the doctor there was smirking at me and not taking Emma's condition or my knowledge seriously. Every time he left the room I would mentally square my shoulders, remind myself I knew the details of the situation and resolve to not let him talk me into anything. Turns out, he's just a jovial, smiley type of guy. He pretty much admitted he didn't know anything about this type of thing and offered to send her by ambulance to Boston Children's Hospital.

Having already experienced an ambulance ride with both of my children, I said no thanks. I wanted to gather up the rest of my family, pack a toothbrush and have one hour just for us before we dropped back into the time warp that is the emergency room. Two hours later, after seeing much more of downtown Boston than we had planned, we were re-thinking the ambulance offer, but we finally got there.

They took us right back and we settled in to wait for the pediatric ORL (that's Harvard fancy talk for ENT) to come down for a consult. We're ER professionals. I packed coloring books and toys for the kids; books, magazines and puzzle books for me & B; and the portable DVD player for everyone. We also had snacks, but didn't want to eat in front of Emma who was NPO. You should have seen us tear into that popcorn when they decided to admit her and do tests on Sunday!

As they did in 2005, the admitted her mostly to track the progress of the swelling and to make sure it didn't put pressure on any other vital bodily functions. She got to eat dinner Sat night, but nothing Sunday morning in preparation for an MRI. Going downstairs for the MRI was when I first became aware that we were dealing with amazing, forward thinking, best in the business medical professionals. If something is going to happen to your child, living near Boston would definitely be a point in your favor. The drug every other hospital in the country uses for children's sedation was developed and tested at Boston Children's. The drug they used to sedate Emma is a "new" drug that everyone else will be using as soon as the papers are published. I think that is totally awesome (yeah, I'm an 80's child, so what?!)

It took her awhile to wake up and feel normal after the MRI, but that evening she ate a great dinner, played in the playroom with Ethan and raced trikes throughout the 8th floor wards. As a parent, it's pretty shocking to be in a children's hospital and have to say to your healthy biker kids, "don't ride through that hall. That's the cardiac wing." Most of us are so very lucky.

The MRI showed blood, pus and fluid. Really? Not sure what they were expecting, but at this point, Blair was less than impressed with the highfalutin Boston doctors. I'm going to have to grill them about that a bit at her next appointment. We got to head home Monday afternoon. I'm not sure anything feels better than to be freed from the hospital.

The doctors who are following her care are not only Pediatric ORLs, they are Pediatric ORLs who specialize in lymphatic malformations. This is absolutely amazing to me. Once again, Boston is the place to be. The insurance company is already warning me that after the ER follow-up care she'll need to be seen by a specialist in our network. I'm thinking, yeah right. You people are going to have a fight on your hands if you try to take my baby away from her highfalutin Harvard docs. How many pediatric ORLs specializing in lymphatic malformations can there be?!

Wait, I'm supposed to be talking about Emma... She's on antibiotics and we're taking a wait and see approach. They're going to see her again on Tuesday to see if the swelling has gone down any on its own. They've talked about two options: removing it surgically or draining it and putting a glue-type substance inside to collapse it and prevent it from filling again. Surgery would feel less risky to me now that she's a little bigger physically. It seems to me it's gone down some already, so we'll see what Tuesday brings.

Does Heaven look like elementary school?

2008-04-18T08:07:00.004-04:00

I'm not talking about the Robert Fulghum kind of Kindergarten where we gather together after our nap to achieve world peace over warm cookies and milk, then hold hands as we skip off to recess.

No, I'm looking at it from the stay-at-home mom's perspective. I realized recently that when I envisioned motherhood, I was imagining the time when the kids would be in school. I would have time during the day to work and putter. After school we would play and have dinner or drive happily to our extra-curricular activities.

It's good for me to have these realizations about my expectations. Sometimes just knowing where I'm coming from can help me deal with where I really am. For example, when Ethan was a baby I would get up extra early to take my shower while he was still asleep. Inevitably, the minute I finished getting ready he would wake up. This was so frustrating to me. I just wanted a little time to myself and the morning primping process didn't count! Finally, I realized that my pre-motherhood morning routing included about an hour of quiet time after getting ready. I would be completely ready for work, then have time to eat breakfast, read and watch the Today show. Realizing how I expected my mornings to go didn't change the reality, but it did make it easier to greet Ethan with a smile in the morning.

My vision of motherhood did not include sleeplessness, diapers and chasing irrational toddlers hither and yon. I didn't even picture these in between years when I would spend my life in the van ferrying to pre-school, stores and sports. Whining, bad dreams, sibling rivalry and the occasional "mean mommy", yeah, I knew those would come, I just didn't focus on them.

In all these seven years of trying to figure out a schedule, those expectations of kids gone to school from 8:30 to 3:30 were in the back of my mind. That has not been my reality. Instead I've had days broken up into smaller bits of time. From the time I drop Em at school, I have roughly 2.5 hours before I have to go back out to pick her up. Then we have lunch, quiet time, playtime and a very short window before Ethan gets home and we're doing snack and homework and changing clothes for tae kwan do. To me, this has been like bouncing around and trying to do as much as I can during the split second the ball is on the ground before taking off again.

I don't think I handle these bits of time very well. I know I need to clean, but I don't want to because that will take up the me-time while Em's gone. I know I need to exercise, but that also takes time away from me. You can probably tell I value my me-time. I like to read, stitch, scrapbook, email, dig around online for absolutely no reason, etc. I can do all of those things when the kids are here, but that doesn't match my vision.

Since it's still one year and four months until Emma starts 1st grade, and I now have all the information necessary to make this puzzle work, I'll adjust my expectations to the reality of my life. This probably means I'll just keep going as we've been going. It's not like we're drowning in filth over here. I do clean the house. But it also means I'll be happier as we go through it because I understand it.

Yesterday, I had a little taste of the heaven that will be Emma's first grade year. She wanted to stay at pre-school for the afternoon session. And she didn't just want to stay for lunch, rest and snack and have me pick her up at 3. Since the snow and ice has finally all melted she wanted to stay for playground time and have me pick her up at 5!

As I was driving up the hill to my house about 9:20 thinking about the long day stretched out in front of me, I realized that if they both rode the bus, they would have been gone an hour earlier! Now, it happened that yesterday was my day off from exercising, so I cleaned the house. The whole house. Three floors! I didn't worry about picking up because that takes forever and I do it every day, I just did the real cleaning. I cleaned four bathrooms, vacuumed all three floors and dusted. I never dust! I had a nice lunch and checked email and such. Then I watched a movie and ironed three of Blair's uniforms. I never iron! I took a little nap in between dogs barking and phones ringing and was up and ready when Ethan got home almost an hour later. Alas, he didn't walk in the door to the smell of freshly baked cookies, but a few more days like this and he just might!

After we picked up Emma, I made dinner and dug through Blair's old work files to find a paper he had to have at 8:30 this morning. I cleaned, ironed and cooked! I might actually be able to achieve all of my June Cleaver dreams, I just need the kids to go to school!

A Perfect Evening

2008-04-15T18:04:00.002-04:00

I had the most wonderful evening with the kids last week. Blair was out of town and we usually just grab something for dinner and have movie night when he's gone. Movie night runs right up to bed-time, we have a quick back rubbing and that's it. But not this night...

We had a sunny, happy afternoon and we actually got to spend some time outside (I love daylight savings time! Actually, I think we should have daylight savings time and more daylight savings time. You know, spring forward, then fall forward, then spring back, I guess.) Anyway, while the kids were puttering around after we came in, I decided to cook! Don't know what got into me, I never do this when Blair's home. We just had a simple hamburger dish, but still it got us to the table. We chatted and laughed and I didn't have to remind anyone to sit still or stop poking or chew with her mouth closed.

After dinner the kids had a bath and I hung out in the bathroom with them instead of running downstairs to load the dishwasher or whatever. I just read and plucked my eyebrows and enjoyed listening to them playing happily together. There was no splashing in the eyes, no hogging the tub and no fighting over toys or which game to play.

We got out of the bath with plenty of time to brush hair and teeth and read stories! We used to read every night, but somewhere along the way it's gotten dropped out of the routine. The biggest obstacle is getting Ethan in bed on-time to avoid his night terrors. If we're the least bit late getting ready for bed, that's the step that gets left out of the routine. We wouldn't be responsible parents if we skipped brushing teeth in favor of story time!

I had lots of snuggle time when we tucked in and didn't have to say, "Sorry, only one song tonight." We had time for a play song and a spool down song and even a few extra snuggles after. I suppose they were fulfilled, too, because they didn't ask for water, adjusted blankets, different stuffed animals or anything!

I was so calm when I came downstairs after tucking them in. I didn't feel like I had to collapse on the couch and raid Blair's scotch. I don't even know what I did, it probably wasn't very special. But I did bask in the glow of a smooth bed-time routine. Funny how the simplest things fulfill us the most. I guess I needed to be reminded.

I Missed March

2008-04-02T10:01:00.003-04:00

I had all these big plans for March. I've been thinking a lot about how to not be so bored as a stay-at-home mom. Now, don't criticize, I'm sure you know what I mean. I haven't done much outside of this house for the last 8 years and dishes, laundry and mealtimes are getting a little monotonous.

Anyway, I was starting to think about how to stay on top of things, but also find some new things for me and March was when I was going to get going! We had a big wrench thrown into the works that led to much remembering our past and pondering our future. Everything worked out and we're moving on, but March is over and now I'm trying to find that inspiration to get started again.

When my kids were infants, I learned to take their nap times for myself instead of running around and working the whole time. When you do this, the work just continues when they wake up and you haven't had any re-charging time. Now Emma's in pre-school from 9-12 every day and I use that time for me. The problem is, my best energy is in the morning, so I don't get anything done in the afternoon either! I usually make us some lunch, watch a show with her, take a nap (oh the joys of independent children!) then have to snap out of it to rush through the sports, dinner, bath, bed time routine.

This leaves me feeling overwhelmed with everything I should have done and worse, very inefficient. Inefficiency is not my favorite quality.

So, my plan was to start getting up one hour earlier to exercise and sometime during the morning routine start a load of laundry and pick something for dinner. Then after dropping Em off at school I would do one chore around the house. This way I would get in shape and feel better physically and never be overwhelmed and agitated about the condition of our home. I would also be cooking dinner for my wonderful hubby on a regular basis. (Poor man grew up with a true southern momma who cooked things like southern fried steak and vegetables for dinner every night. And he married me!)

It's now Wednesday and I've done three loads of laundry, but only one has been put away, so I'm a little over par for that. I only did chores on Monday because Tuesday we had to get up at the crack of dawn to take Goldie to be spayed and I was just wiped out. I haven't exercised at all. I know new habits are hard to create and I'm trying to be patient with myself, but seeing those results in black and white doesn't feel so great. I'd better post this and get to work!

Any ideas for how you created or stay on your routine?

The Shack

2008-02-08T09:20:00.000-05:00

Since I wrote the Grab a Book post the other day, it's been making me absolutely crazy that I couldn't tell you more about The Shack. It has had such an amazing impact on me and everyone else in my care group. Last night we were talking about the fact that we sometimes have to remind ourselves that it is not the Bible. It's just given us, well, I shouldn't speak for everyone, it's given me such a wonderful, amazing, awesome picture of God and the role God should have in my life that I have to share more of it with you.

In the hopes that you'll eventually read it for yourself, I'm just going to tell you what's on the back cover. When you read it, I'll be happy to talk more about it, but I don't want to ruin it for you. Here it is:

Mackenzie Allen Philips' youngest daughter, Missy, has been abducted during a family vacation and evidence that she may have been brutally murdered is found in an abandoned shack deep in the Oregon wilderness. Four years later in the midst of his Great Sadness, Mack receives a suspicious note, apparently from God, inviting him back to that shack for a weekend.

Against his better judgment he arrives at the shack on a wintry afternoon and walks back into his darkest nightmare. What he finds there will change Mack's world forever.

In a world where religion seems to grow increasingly irrelevant The Shack wrestles with the timeless question, "Where is God in a world so filled with unspeakable pain?" The answers Mack gets will astound you and perhaps transform you as much as it did him. You'll want everyone you know to read this book!

Here are some reviews:

"The Shack is the most absorbing work of fiction I've read in many years. My wife and I laughed, cried and repented of our own lack of faith along the way. The Shack will leave you craving for the presence of God." Michael W. Smith

"This story reads like a prayer - like the best kind of prayer, filled with sweat and wonder and transparency and surprise. If you read one work of fiction this year, let this be it." Mike Morrell

"Reading The Shack during a very difficult transition in my life, this story has blown the door wide open to my soul." Wynonna Judd

And one last comment from The Missy Project:

"A team of us who have read and been touched by The Shack are convinced this book deserves a reading across the broadest reaches of our culture. Not only is this a compelling and provocative story, but it has a literary quality to it that distinguishes it as a special gift. It offers one of the most poignant views of God and how he relates to humanity that has been written in our time. It will not only encourage those who already know him but also engage those who have not yet recognized his work in their lives."

For more from The Missy Project, check out their web-site http://www.theshackbook.com.

8:42 a.m.

2008-02-07T15:31:00.000-05:00

That's what time I woke up this morning. 8:40 is when we usually leave for school!

Ethan's school had called to announce a 90 minute delay due to weather, so I turned my alarm off. Problem is, Emma's school isn't affected by delays, only cancellations. On a normal day we leave at 8:40, take Ethan to school and we're on our way to Emma's by 8:50. Today we should have left before 8:50 even though we didn't have to stop at Ethan's first because... The delay was due to bad weather!

Those of you who know me well know I do not get ready in a hurry. I take slow showers and I piddle around. I like to get up 2 hours before I have to be somewhere. Believe me, my first thought was "snow day". But then I thought about how much I've been getting done this week during my quiet time and what a grumpy mommy I've been during the afternoons and knew I had to get these kids to school!

I threw school clothes to Emma, made her some chocolate instant breakfast, combed the top layer of her hair (carefully avoiding the knots underneath) and ran out the door. Ethan was a trooper, he ran around getting her shoes and stuff without stopping to describe everything along the way. We've been working with him on this. You see, it's not the storytelling itself that bothers us, it's the stopping.

Ethan and I had plenty of time to get him ready for school and finish his homework. We'd been too busy playing board games to get it done yesterday, so maybe I haven't been a completely mean mom this week.

I didn't get much done, but still enjoyed my quiet time this morning. I had a nice brunch and watched the new episode of Project Runway that I absolutely wouldn't let myself stay up until 1 to watch last night. Project Runway is my current obsession. I watch re-runs all week to satisfy my longing for the new episode. I have no idea why I'm so into it, fashion is so not my life. Maybe it's just fun to watch people use their talent in such an interesting way. And it's not all witchy and gossipy like some reality shows.

Anyway, hope your morning started off better than mine! :-)

Grab that book...

2008-02-06T17:52:00.000-05:00

I was tagged by my friend Erin to follow these instructions:

Pick up the nearest book of at least 123 pages.
Go to page 123.
Find the first 5 sentences.
Post the next 3 sentences.
Tag 5 people.

Here goes. This is from The Shack, by William P. Young:

Sarayu was quick to reply, "Don't confuse adaptation for intention, or seduction for reality."

"So, then we've been seduced into this preoccupation with authority?"

"In a sense, yes!" responded Papa. "I'm just looking out for you, son."

This is such an amazing book, but pulling three sentences from a random page is really odd. I could write for days describing this book and what it's done for me. It's really strange just leaving it at that, but I'll do as commanded.

Tag, you're it: Kim, Emily, Maggie, Karen, Andrea

Epiphany!

2008-01-29T09:25:00.000-05:00

So I was talking with Blair over dinner the other night about our crazy schedule and suddenly, it all came together! Here's our previous schedule:

Monday: Tae Kwon Do at 5, (leave the house at 4:30, Ethan gets off the bus at 3:40)
Tuesday: Care Group at 6:30
Wednesday: Cub Scouts at 6
Thursday: Care Group at 7
Friday: Tae Kwon Do at 5
Saturday: Tae Kwon Do at 9
Sunday: Church at 9:30

Now, TKD on Sat and church on Sun are totally staying on the schedule. TKD is a family class that Blair and the kids get to attend together after he's been out of town all week, so it's definitely worth it. Plus, the kids have all day after to do their kid thing. Church is, of course, church! And, it's family, so none of us ever want to skip it.

Of the changeable items, first, we dropped out of Cub Scouts. That gives us one evening free. Not enough to change my stress level.

Then we changed Ethan to the older age group class at TKD, which meant he would go at 6 instead of 5. I thought that would be nice because he'd have a bit longer of a break after school. But still something every day! M: TKD, T: care group, W: TKD, Th: care group.

Along with this change, Emma would start attending TKD Monday and Tuesday at 1:30. This will have her attending with other pre-school kids in a smaller class, which I thought would be great for her. However, our total schedule on Mondays would get crazier because I'd pick her up from pre-k, drive to TKD, drive home, try to fit in dinner, drive to TKD again, race home to get the kids in bed on-time. YIKES!

A side note: bed-time has become very important because Ethan's night terrors have made a resurgence lately and we know the amount of rest he gets is the key to preventing them.

So, are you ready for the light bulb moment? By this point you're probably as stressed as I am by this schedule, so I'm sure you are... Here's our new schedule:

Monday: Em to TKD at 1:30, when E gets off the bus at 3:40, nowhere to go!
Tuesday: I pick Ethan up (no bus), TKD at 4:15, time for dinner, care group around 7.
Wed: Nowhere to go!
Thurs: I pick Ethan up, TKD at 4:15, fast food night, babysitter while I go to care group.
Fri: Nowhere to go!

That's a lot of words, quite a few details, did you miss it? Absolutely nothing on the schedule Monday, Wednesday or Friday!!

Tuesday will be a little busy, but there are a lot of kids at that care group and it's a fun play date for them, while being a very fulfilling time for me. So that one night bed time goes out the window, but we're home by nine and the kids know we don't follow the normal bed time routine. We just brush teeth and hop in bed. No stories, no back-rubbing.

Thursday will be a normal evening after TKD, just with a sitter. And get in bed on time. And another very fulfilling time for Mommy, made more wonderful by the fact that I can't hear them playing in the next room and my house is quiet when I get home.

It'll be a tiny adjustment for me because I often nap around school pick-up time, but it'll be so worth it! I am totally excited that my kids get to have kid-time again. The schedule before didn't leave enough time on either side of the activities to really get into anything (play dates, unstructured play time, homework!) It was always have a quick snack and get ready to go again, then get home and get ready for bed.

We have never believed in kids having their bums in a car seat all day long. When we lived in Idaho, the drive to the mall was at least an hour. Our first stop was always the food court or the section with all the quarter-rides, so Ethan could stretch a bit, not just go from the car seat to the stroller. When we've flown, we've scheduled long layovers for the same reason. Since before he could walk! We'd just lay out a blanket and some of his toys and let him roll around a bit. When we drive to the store, we let them walk from the car to the door before stuffing them in the cart. We just really try to respect their needs while still accomplishing what we need to do that day.

Nothing makes me madder than a mom yelling at her toddler to be quiet and stop grabbing at everything when you know that poor kid hasn't been on his own two feet all day. They're bored. They're hungry for more than snack food. They're tired of sleeping slumped over in a stroller, or worse, a metal shopping cart. These errands have no meaning to them and they get yelled at for just wanting a little peace and quiet and a little attention from their mom.

All that applies to after-school activities for older kids, too. The car seats have gotten a little more comfortable and maybe there's a DVD player, Nintendo DS or Ipod in the car, but it's really the same thing. I guess I can understand how people never stop to figure this out. It's been stressing me out for months and I just solved it myself. But can't we all remember how short childhood is and just let our kids be kids?

Insufficient Funds

2008-01-24T10:55:00.001-05:00

For the first time since I was in college, I bounced a check! Truthfully, three. I'm trying not to feel too guilty. I've personally called the relevant companies to fess up, paid the fees and studied reports in Quicken to figure out what happened and make sure it won't happen again. Basically, it was Christmas, more food for Christmas and a non-insurance covered visit to the dentist for Emma. Oh well, moving on.

I have insufficient funds in other areas, too. I don't have enough time. The kids go to Tae Kwon Do twice a week and I attend two church small groups. I also tutor 1 or 2 afternoons a week in Ethan's class. It seems like we're running somewhere every afternoon and every night. In an effort to cut back, I've taken Ethan out of Boy Scouts for now. Not because I disagree with what they teach. I actually think they have a wonderful program. At this age, however, they mostly do crafts and run wild. I've also started having a sitter come over while I go to one of the church groups. There aren't any other kids there, so my kids get in bed on time and I get a little me-time.

Blair and I always swore we wouldn't be those parents who have their kids signed up for every possible activity. We want them to be kids. We want them to roll around in the grass (or snow) and watch the clouds go by. We want them to ride their bikes and use their imaginations to fill these wonderful, but fleeting afternoons of childhood. The sad thing is we haven't enrolled them in multiple programs, and the things they do participate in are worthwhile, but we still don't have much time left over. I'm thinking a lot about this and how to solve it, so if you have any ideas, please feel free to comment.

I am also insufficiently funded with patience. If you're a mom, I'm sure you have an inherent understanding of this. If not, see above for better understanding.

With all this racing from place to place there are always shoes and coats scattered around the house, combs and hairbows lying about, hangers from the current day's clothes and last night's pj's thrown on the couch and, of course, dishes in the sink. Remember my post regarding "half-done" last year? I'm still there. I think my next house will be a single level 1500sf ranch.

Anyway, clutter stresses me out. I don't like for my house to look like a tornado just tore through it. I like for things to look neat and clean even if I haven't had time to mop the floor in a month. So, I get stressed about the house (which I straighten every day, though you'd never know it), we all get in a hurry to get wherever we're going and we get snappy with each other. The kids whine at each other and me and I yell at them. Somehow I don't think this is an appropriate balance.

I'm starting to think I need to accept that this is life with children, rather than continually trying to come up with a plan to combat life with children.

A True Air Force Brat

2007-11-06T17:25:00.000-05:00

A quick story about driving to McDonalds with Emma the other day:

Em: How long are we going to be in this place?

Me: The McDonald's Play Place?

Em: No. This state.

Me: Oh, two or three more years.

Em: Great! I like it here...

Em: Where are we going next?

I'll have to remind her of this statement when we yank her out of junior high right in the middle of hormone hell with her screaming about leaving her "very best friends in the whole wide world" or however pre-teens are talking in 2013.

I like it here, too. Sometimes so much I don't ever want to leave. I do have an adventurer's spirit, though. Four years here will be the longest I've lived in one place since high school. I'll probably start itching to pack before we even have orders in hand.

It's funny, my mom and I always say if it had been up to us we would still be back in England whining because we wouldn't have been brave enough to get on that boat. But maybe not. Maybe between that adventurous spirit and the rebellious devil on my shoulder, I would have thumbed my nose at the Queen and sailed off for greener pastures, with fewer rules.

Moving is one of the hardest things I've done (7 states so far), but it's always worth it.

Damn Film Cameras

2007-11-03T19:30:00.000-04:00

Everything we've done this week and I haven't a single picture to show for it! Our digital camera's rechargeable's died and we were out of regular AA's.

Anyway, we went to a nice laid back Halloween party with tractor rides and mummy games for the kids. I got to spend a lot of time holding my new friend Dawson, who's almost 4 weeks old, while his mom was playing hostess. I helped with the Halloween party in Ethan's class, which you know can't be called a "Halloween party" anymore. PC run amok if you ask me. They couldn't even wear costumes. Basically, we took them juice, popcorn and cookies. The most Halloween-y thing about it were the spiders frozen in the ice cubes. They had fun, so I shouldn't gripe, but I long for the good old offensive days.

We've been to Tae Kwan Do three times this week, which is an absolute joy because the kids love it so much and are doing so well. You may remember the first school we attended up here wasn't very accepting of kid's capabilities, so honestly every class at our new school makes me so happy. Now they have teachers who are excellent teachers, but also well-trained in how to work with children. They know how to correct them jokingly, but even when they have to be serious, it's on a 4-6 year old level.

The kids are going to be in their first tournament this Saturday. For the Tiny Tigers classes, there's no 1st, 2nd, 3rd place. They go through their forms, with a leader, and all receive a trophy for something like Best Attitude, Strongest Forms, etc. Now, I am not one of those moms who thinks there should be no first place. I don't think the world works that way and I don't think it does kids any favors to be taught that everyone wins. But I am so excited that my kids are going to get a trophy! It will be there first one! My argument for this selfishness of spirit is that for kids of this age, it's just an introduction to tournaments. It won't hurt their winning spirit in the long run... Right?

Halloween was fun, but again, no photographic evidence. Ethan ran into a buddy (the first 6-year old boy we've found in this stinking neighborhood) and they ran Blair ragged over several blocks. Emma and I took our time, held hands (slippery princess shoes) and even worked up the courage to go up to the spooky houses. We encountered scary music, people with knives in their heads, a graveyard complete with smoke and blood and a man dressed all in black holding a boney cane. Ethan was the bad Spiderman and Emma was a flapper.

Blair's in DC for 9 days, so to fill this rainy, windy Saturday, we went to a conference at church about divorce and remarriage. Thankfully, it doesn't apply directly to me, but it was so interesting and hopefully I'll be able to help people along the way with what I've learned. I must tell you, it was a struggle. I'm sure I added a few wrinkles between my brows to go along with the gray hairs I've been pulling way too many of lately.

The rain and wind were the remnants of Hurricane Noel that came past Boston today. I must say, hurricanes are much better here than they were in Florida! I don't miss that at all.

Tomorrow, we have a baby shower. Then it'll be back to the regular school routine. I've started tutoring reading in Ethan's class. He thinks it's hilarious that I'm a "tooter". Ahhh, six year old boys. He loves it when I'm there and the kids are so much fun to work with. I can't get to all of them in 40 minutes, so when I'm leaving they're all calling, "Mrs. Morris! Mrs. Morris! Can I read to you next time?" I was a little worried because this is the first thing I've committed to since we moved here. I was over-committed in Florida and wanted to give myself time to settle in here. Mostly, I knew I needed to have a presence in the school and this was a way to do it that I would actually enjoy.

Okay, that's it, and only one day late from my 'Blog on Friday' resolution!

Hope you had a happy Halloween!

Guess I'm on a two-month rotation!

2007-10-26T12:05:00.000-04:00

Sorry for the long breaks between posting. I've had a bit of a rough fall, but hopefully things are settling down now. I also need to figure out that I don't have to write so much every time. Of course, I wait so long that I have lots to say! It's a chicken and egg kind of thing. Or maybe a catch-22. Anyway, if I wrote more, I could write less! I'm going to try for a quick recap, then maybe try to post every Friday (gasp!)

School is going amazingly well for us. We quickly got into a good routine and usually have a great time spending time together getting ready to go. Both kids love their teachers and are just so happy to get up and go. The bonus is that they've both lost the bad attitudes they developed over the summer. I think we just had too much togetherness!

The second weekend after labor day, we went to North Conway, NH to visit Storyland, a theme park just for little guys. They were tall enough to ride every ride and nothing was too scary. The first day was rainy, so we went to a train and toy museum, a covered bridge, a weather museum (the highest wind gusts in the world have been recorded at Mount Washington, NH: 231 mph!) and had lunch at the Muddy Moose restaurant. It cleared up enough to go to Storyland for a bit that afternoon and we immediately knew it was the place for us! The kids drove swan boats and rode in a pumpkin carriage to Cinderella's castle. We met the old woman who lived in a shoe, Miss Muffett, the three little pigs and Heidi's grandfather. The second day, they drove cars, went on a safari, did shoe rides and fish rides and barn rides galore. We also saw Little Red Riding Hood and the wolf, the wife in the pumpkin shell (I can't remember the rhyme!) and the baa baa black sheep. We got to meet and take pictures with Humpty Dumpty and some pirates. All in all, it was a wonderful family weekend.

In late September, we were invaded by family and they've only just left! My parents came for a week and we had a wonderful time fixing up our garage. Not finishing it to be part of the house, just painting over the plain sheetrock and building moldings around the exposed wiring. We were going to paint the floor, but learned that garage floor paint chips easily, so we had to do something since we'd already moved all the garage stuff to the basement.

After that they wandered off in their RV for points north and some New England autumn colors. While they were gone Blair's parents and some friends came for a quick weekend. We explored all over Lexington and Concord and had a great time showing the kids our country's history. I must tell you it really gave me the warm fuzzies.

After they left, my parents came back through and took the kids for a weekend. We have really missed this little perk we had while living in Florida. They went to the Christa McCauliff planetarium and a science center in Concord NH. We thought they'd just pitch the kids out of the RV and head south, but they actually stayed with us a few more days after that.

Blair and I had a nice quiet Friday night before heading out to Salem, Mass on Saturday. Salem in October is even more interesting than usual. There were many things about the Witch Trials that we thought we knew just from folklore that turned out to be false, so it was very interesting learning the real story. Traffic was backed up on the way home due to a Red Sox game (GO SOX!! Game 3 Saturday!!), so we took the next exit and got to see more of the Mass countryside than we'd planned on. We went about 40 miles out of our way, but just had a lot of fun being by ourselves.

The kids are busier than ever with homework, Tae Kwon Do, church groups and cub scouts, but we're having a great time. The weather has been beautiful, but the colors are kind of slow this year due to a hot, dry summer and warm fall. We haven't even had our first frost yet (don't I sound like a Yankee now? Even slow colors are spectacular up here. Even running your most banal errands feels like a beautiful drive in the country.

More soon!

Clearing out the Cobwebs

2007-08-24T08:46:00.000-04:00

Of my blog, not my mind! Maybe I should check there, too? Well, you know how often I dust. My house has cobwebs, too! We've had an alternately busy and non-busy summer. Both are enough to drive you crazy. Here's a re-cap:

After the kids got out of school, we had two long weeks with nothing to do. We still haven't found any kids close by (close enough for the kids to walk for play-dates like we had in FL) and I thought they'd be happy for some quiet days after being busy with school. They weren't as content to hang around the house and amuse themselves as they usually are, so we were a bit at loose ends. There were quite a few squabbles and I wasn't quick enough on the draw figuring out things for us to do. We went on a couple walks looking for houses with swing sets in the yard and left notes on doors, but only heard from one person and they were leaving for Florida for the summer the very next day.

We switched Tae Kwon Do schools in mid-June and all of us are so happy with the change. Our first school here really didn't get the idea of positive reinforcement for the kid's class. They had the opportunity to earn three yellow stripes on their white belt, then were expected to start attending the all-ages, all-ranks class. It just didn't seem right to us that in 6 months, Emma had earned no kudos and Ethan only had one yellow stripe and the teacher was harping on us to bring him to the adult class. I do want them to learn and advance, but at this age I think they should be able to do that and still get to play a few games during class time.

We're now attending Karate for Kids ATA and it is the best! It was all I could talk about for the first month. They have a very firm schedule for rewarding the kids, so they never go very long without an encouraging pat on the back. Within the first 6 weeks, they had each earned four stripes on their belts (white for Emma and 1st orange for Ethan) and two stars on their uniform, then they tested and moved up in belt rank! Emma has been so excited and is no longer treated as the kid who is holding the rest of the class back.

The next few weeks we were only home long enough to do a quick load of laundry and pack up again. Our dog-sitter made a bundle! Blair took two weeks off, but it wasn't as laid back a vacation as we'd hoped for. We had planned several things before we knew those were the weeks he was going to be off.
First, we finally went on the "T Adventure" sponsored by Hanscom AFB to help acquaint newcomers with the Boston subway system. We've signed up for this tour every month we've lived here, but it never worked out. It was either 6 degrees and snowing or Blair was out of town. We rode the train to The Old State House, had lunch in Faneuil Hall and bought souvenirs at the Quincy Marketplace, walked to a sprinkler pad on the waterfront for the kids to cool off (the adults were all lined up in the shade of a lamppost like the cows do out west!), then visited the seals outside the New England Aquarium. The kids really wanted to go inside, but the tour schedule limited our time. Part of the tour group went on the historical walking tour through downtown Boston, but it was so hot we thought the kids needed to do something geared more toward them. It was the hottest day of the year and we were all quite miserable, but I feel a lot more confident about going "into the city" than I did before. New Hampshire is considered the redneck neighbor of Mass, so I should say, "goin' to town!"
We went camping with about 15 people from church to Squam Lake in central New Hampshire, which is Golden Pond from the movie. It was so much fun and so completely relaxing. Blair got to fish several times a day, the kids fished, swam and kayaked around the lake, I read, laid in the hammock and kept the campfire going. Seriously, I don't think I left the campsite except to walk to the outhouse! Everyone else came and went for fishing or kayaking and I just chatted with whoever was at the site with me. I probably should have tried to be more family oriented, but I had a wonderful time, so no worries! I got to know some people I didn't know well before and got to know some others better than I did already. The first picture, obviously, is Ethan whittling. He and Blair have been reading Conn & Hal Iggulden's "The Dangerous Book for Boys" and Blair gave Ethan his first Swiss Army knife for the trip. The second pic is on the hike in to the camp site (about a mile). We told the kids they had to be able to carry whatever toys they wanted to bring, so they've got their packs on.
After camping, we had a couple quick days at home before heading to Maine for Rick and Karen's Let Freedom Ring party for the 4th of July. Sadly, I took no pictures. I was having too much fun meeting all of their friends and family that I'd been hearing about for so long. The next day we helped with the party clean up, then headed out for fresh fish and chips and crab cake sandwiches right on the Maine coastline. The kids tried to have a good time, but they were getting a little grouchy by this point with all the busyness.

In July, the kids attended VBS at one of the local Baptist churches (our church is out in the country and really not big enough to sponsor one) and they loved it! It was based on a superhero, spy kids type of theme called Son Force Kids and was right up their alley. They made new friends, learned new songs and basically had a grand time. I had a wonderful time, also, enjoying free childcare for 3 hours every morning!

The very next week, that "childcare" was 6 hours a day in Tae Kwon Do camp, but was far from free! My guess would be the kids didn't have quite as good a time, but they were too tired to complain. While they were gone, I started building a fence! A friend of Ethan's was putting in a pool and new privacy fence this spring and they said if we'd haul their old fence off, we could have it. We had tried using an underground fence for the dogs, but the collars never would work quite right, so free is the next best thing! Of course, labor wasn't included in that price.

We had to buy new fence posts, because theirs had been in the ground long enough to be rotten, and we've purchased some hardware, but it's been really inexpensive and Blair and I have had a lot of fun working together, as usual. The first weekend we measured and buried 5 fence posts in concrete, then Blair had to go out of town. Well, we weren't going to use the gate they gave us, so I thought I could build and install our gate before Blair got home. I did that and was so excited, I hung the rest of the fence rows for all the posts he had sunk. It was pretty cool because both houses across the street had paid labor working on their houses and here I was, a girl, building my own fence! I was thankful they were there for more than the ego boost, though. At one point I thought if I cut myself with the reciprocating saw I could probably run to them before I bled to death. Thankfully I didn't have to test that theory! Here's a picture of my gate:After all that, we had about a week free before we headed to Grandma's in Alabama. Emma has been really unsettled about Grandma's house since we moved, wondering if it's still there and if she got rid of all the toys. She has asked to go to Grandma's at least four times a week since we got here, so I thought, why not? We weren't planning to go south until spring 2008, but it was worth it for my little girl's peace of mind. The kids and I were planning to drive, but we checked flights two days before and found tickets for $200 each. Couldn't beat that, so off we went for our first flight since the kids were 2 and 3 months old. I was so totally excited!! No stroller to gate check, no car seat to manhandle down the aisle, no diapers, no bottles. On top of that, they carried their own toys and snacks in their backpacks and are reasonable enough that I could explain about ears popping and the helpful effects of chewing gum instead of just hoping they would nurse at the appropriate time! It was a blast for all of us.
So, now we're home and being pretty successful at killing time until school starts. Ethan starts riding the bus to first grade on August 28th and Emma starts pre-k on September 4th. She'll be going from 9-12 every day, and I am not ashamed to say I can't wait! It's taken me 6 and a half years to work through my mommy guilt, but I did it and now I can confidently say I like being a mommy more when I get a little break from it each day.
Whew! I think that's everything we did this summer. Really, I don't think there's anything else. Well, maybe a couple walks with the dogs or bike rides or crafts or trips to the pool, but essentially, that's it! I'm caught up. My blog is clean, dust free and ready for our fall antics. Speaking of fall, I had to run my heat on August 20th. Did you get that? Heat. August 20th. Just in the morning to knock the chill off, but still... It's supposed to be hot for the next week or so, but then in the 70's by September. I think I like living in New England.

Last Days of School

2007-06-23T19:32:00.000-04:00

The last few weeks have been pretty crazy with all the end of school activities. We've had ice cream parties and field days (hilarious with kindergarteners!) and many birthday parties squeezed in before the end of the year. None of this is any different than what your end of school was like, I'm sure, but we just got out June 15th, so it's still on my mind. Mostly, I just wanted to share a few pictures of my beautiful kids!

Here is Ethan at field day:
Emma and Ms. Joyce at the ice cream party (see the sweaters?):
Ethan and Mrs. Gilbert at Kindergarten graduation (see the long sleeves? It's June15th!):
And here are their spring school pictures:

I love being able to put pictures in my blog!

Where have we been??

2007-06-21T12:38:00.000-04:00

I've read that it's not good blogger etiquette to apologize for not blogging, so I won't apologize if you'll just please forgive me and keep checking! I last posted on May 4th! I guess I've just been too busy enjoying spring to sit inside on the computer. Probably a pretty common malady for northerners.

Blair's parents were here the last week in April and we kept them busy with home-improvement projects. We worked on Blair's Bronco (poor thing failed the NH state inspection), hung curtains and curtain rods, installed ceiling fans and picked up wooden fence from a friend who was replacing it with a pool and new fence. The day before they left was Blair's promotion ceremony, so we are now Major & Mrs. Blair Morris!! It was a fun day that meant a lot more than I think we thought it would. And the raise is nice, too!

Here, Blair and the kids are practicing:

Reciting the oath:

Blair gave us all thank you gifts during his wonderful speech:

After, we raced around cleaning up the room so we could get Major Morris to the airport on time for his regularly scheduled trip to DC. It was a really wonderful, well-deserved day.

Now, we're working on finishing Air Command and Staff College by correspondence and already worrying about what the right "next move" is. We still have dreams of Colorado Springs and might have found a way to make it happen. Problem is, Blair will have to pry me out of New Hampshire first!

More soon, I promise. I've got lots to catch you up on from May!

Lys

A Breath of Fresh Air

2007-05-04T13:00:00.000-04:00

Spring has arrived in New England. Finally! Funny thing is, I'm realizing I've never actually seen spring before. It's completely different here than anywhere else I've lived.

Sure in Tennessee there was that lovely smell in the air, flowers bloomed and the trees came back to life. In LA (lower Alabama) the forsythia and azaleas bloomed, but that was about all that changed between winter and summer. Spring in Albuquerque was announced by the presence of gale force winds. Idaho had about a week of the lovely spring smell and a month of fog before summer arrived. Florida, of course, was perpetual summer.

But here... It is truly a beautiful process to observe. There are forsythia literally everywhere you look. Buttercups are starting to open. My yard is full of some kind of bush covered with purple flowers. There are no actual leaves on the trees yet, but they all have a lovely pale green "haze" around them, just a hint that they're on the way. Some have a red haze and I can't wait to see what they are. Because our home is a two-story with basement and it's on a hill, the tops of our birch grove are right outside my bathroom window. I can hardly put my makeup on in the morning because I just love to stare out the window at all those baby leaves that are starting to open.

This description would be a lot more colorful if I actually knew what I was looking at, I realize I'm not making it sound very exciting. It's just so interesting to me to realize that I haven't really seen spring in 3 years. I loved Florida's warm winters, but I didn't realize that to enjoy them I'd had to give up spring.

We've had some really well-fed squirrels in are yard all winter (we are literally covered in acorns), but all the birds who flew south for the winter are coming home and waking me up at 4 a.m. everyday. By 4 a.m. I've had just enough sleep that if you wake me up, I'm pretty much up. I lay there for another 2 hours right on the edge of actually falling asleep, then I feel worse when the alarm goes off than if I'd just gotten up at 4.

Back when Ethan was nursing I thought about getting up for the day at 4. He would sleep from 8-4 and I thought that way I would get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep instead of my normal 4-5 hours, then 2-3 more after his midnight snack. I never tried it, but maybe I will now. Our house doesn't have air conditioning, so the windows will be open until it snows again. I either need to adjust my sleep schedule or start shooting the birds and that is not my idea of fun.

The other thing about spring up here is that I don't have the right wardrobe. I have some nice winter sweaters that I am completely sick of after wearing them for five months. I have enough short sleeved shirts to supply 3 women with a summer wardrobe. I don't have anything in between! Everyone's walking around looking fresh and beautiful in pastel light-weight sweaters and I'm still covered up with a jacket because I don't want to wear my dark, heavy, turtle-neck sweaters anymore! This wouldn't be a problem except I've promised to try not to buy any clothes this year. I've promised "to try". I don't have to be successful. With highs in the mid-60s and lows about 40, I just might have to go shopping...

Heart on my sleeve

2007-04-11T15:40:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me, and most people who don't ;), know how I feel the minute they see me. I'm usually in a pretty good mood, but if I'm not, I'm willing to be open about things I'm stressed or worried or even mad about. It helps me to get things off my chest, to have my friends' support and to hear their input. Many times what I was worried about isn't such a big deal when I'm able to see it from another's perspective. Sometimes, it's still a big deal, but at least I was able to release a little tension by sharing with and being comforted by my friends. To me this is what friendship is all about. Sharing the good times and the bad. Being open and honest.

I guess most of my friends are about the same in this regard. However, I have had a few friends along the way who weren't as open about the things they worried about. Sometimes it took me a time or two, but usually I figured this out and learned not to ask questions or bring up topics they felt were too personal for everyday playground chatter.

But what do you do when you're friends with someone you think is emotionally like-minded, then nine years into the friendship, you find out that person is mad because you weren't supportive enough during their trials, which they never bothered to tell you about?

Blair sometimes does this to me. He gets worried and stressed about something, but doesn't tell me. Then when I get totally sick of him being such an old grumpy-puss and we have an argument, he finally tells me what's really going on and we can deal with it. Or not, sometimes I just listen (although I am like a husband in that I want to fix everything). The point is, aren't we always saying, "he can't read your mind". You can't have a marriage, or a friendship, without communication.

Yesterday, I was basically told I am a selfish, self-absorbed, catastrophe-seeking, drama queen.

Here's what I'm thinking: If I call you and ask hey, what's going on? or how is everything going? and you say "Great!" am I supposed to wonder if you're lying? When exactly am I supposed to ask, "Really? Are you really great or are you just not sharing your problems, but you really need to talk about them and you especially need me to listen sympathetically?" C'mon secret keepers, I need a signal or something!

If you need me to listen and I'm being dense and ignoring your signals, please, just shut me up. Don't suffer in silence, seeth when we're apart, then call me two years later to tell me I'm insensitive. I value my friendships so much and don't ever want to lose one. Please don't be afraid to nudge me when you need me.

Half-Way

2007-04-10T13:35:00.000-04:00

Everything in my house is half-way finished. Sure we're all unpacked, but only one of four ceiling fans is hung, the curtains are hanging un-ironed on rods that are too long, the wood blinds are lying on the floor of the room they belong in. Who knows when they'll make it onto the windows?!

The laundry is forever half done. Which means some is on the floor, some is in the washer or dryer, some is in the basket and some is folded and stacked on the table. All of it is in my way!

The stuff the kids drag home from school is half put away. The coats are on the kitchen floor, so they're near the basement stairs where they're supposed to be hung. Their shoes are flung about the office and they belong in the office, but they have a specific place in the office!

I'm blithering. I'm sorry.

Now, cleaning is not my favorite pasttime, but I am not a fan of the unkempt look. I like my house to be neat and straight and tidy (the dust is harder to notice this way). My children don't buy into this philosophy and I'm only half-way through teaching it to them.

The problem isn't really the kids, it's this huge house. I love my house. I wish you could all see my house (and me!) in person. It just doesn't lend itself well to organization. There's no good place to put my purse down when I walk in. Everything gets piled on this little island of countertop by the back door and there's just not enough countertop to spare in my kitchen. The stuff you bring in with you sits there. The stuff that needs to go back out with you sits there. The recycle that needs to go to a bag in the laundry room that will be taken to the basement when it gets full sits there!

The kids do help. Ha! They bring things downstairs. They take things upstairs. They move half their toys from the playroom to the living room where the TV is. Blair and I have firm beliefs about TVs not being in bedrooms and playrooms. The kids don't buy this either.

Trying to be logical, I put a basket at the top and bottom of the stairs. Everyone should grab something from the basket on their way up or down. Blair and I learned this waiting tables: full hands in, full hands out. Why am I the only one hauling baskets full of junk up and down the stairs? Today I actually opened the door to the basement and just pitched stuff down. Blair's probably going to come home, see the pile on the floor, turn around and go straight back to work wondering what happened to his wife today.

I'm still blithering. I thought if I got my blithering down on paper (so to speak) that I would feel better. Didn't work. I feel all anxious. No wonder I don't have any bottles of wine that are only half finished.

Funny thing about having a blog...

2007-04-03T17:07:00.000-04:00

it's always in the back of my mind. As we're doing normal, everyday things, I've got a running commentary going of how I'll describe them to you. Then I get five minutes free when the kids are happy in the playroom and I draw a blank.

My parents came for a visit weekend before last. Our first NH visitors! We were very excited and had a very detailed list of things for them to do. This was not a list of local attractions, mind you, rather a household project To-Do list. We're still feeling a little broke getting used to having a mortgage payment again, so we didn't get into any major renovations, but we had a blast. We ran cable and phone lines (discovered heating ducts that led nowhere during this project), hung ceiling fans, took down 20 year old curtains and curtain rods that appeared to have screws reaching all the way to the roof, modified two storage boxes left by the previous owners and hung a new door between the garage and the mudroom/basement.

The storage boxes are these great 8-foot long pine boxes that weigh about 100 pounds and were covered in 70's green, orange and white shag carpet. Hey, maybe they came with the blue 70's toilet we discovered in our 1988-built house? Anyway, we stripped the carpet, reinforced the lids and put casters on (I'm talking about the boxes again, not the toilet).

The new door is between the garage and the mudroom where we have a great little closet full of shaker pegs for all of your snowy coats, hats, mittens, etc. The old door was between the mudroom and the basement, so you were basically standing in the garage to strip down out of your freezing, wet clothes. Now the mudroom is heated and oh, so lovely.

Spent all afternoon after church Sunday wandering around Home Depot and realizing our dreams were a little too big. All of our bathrooms need updating, but we now see that we can update them very nicely, but remembering that we won't be here forever. Our brother-in-law will be proud, because we're probably going to copy the bathroom he renovated last year.

I know I'm just rambling. I'm trying to not go so long between posts, but I've been in a bit of a funk lately, so I'm not feeling too chatty. Not a serious funk, just a little four months after moving blahs.

Found a neat thing called Google Reader where you can enter all the blogs you follow and it will let you know when there are new posts. Since we all seem to be trying to keep in touch, this is a wonderful little tool to that end.

More soon.

2007-03-22T18:32:00.000-04:00

Maybe I'm not so good at this...

Hey everybody. It's been more than two months since my first post and I can't even remember all we've done since then.

I've spent a ton of time researching gymnastics and tae kwan do schools and am really happy with my choices. The kids are having an absolute blast, and I'm having fun, too. There are some great moms and dads to chat with at each and even some I'm thinking of inviting over for dinner. A couple are big fakers though, the Monday after winter break when I sat down at gymnastics and said, "60 minutes without children" they acted like they didn't understand! Come on.

I've finally met some moms at Emma's preschool, too. When I was in Florida, I would have killed for a carpool lane to drop the kids off. Now that I have one I've found it's very detrimental to the moving process. I'm here, I know my way around, I'm all settled, I'd like to actually meet someone! One warm day last week while we were waiting to pick Em up, Ethan was jumping in and out of his van door and making funny faces. I was aware and in control of the situation. ;) I asked him if he was being nice and I listened to his tone of voice to make sure it was all in fun. All of a sudden he was in the van climbing to the back row. He said a lady told him he was rude. Well! I haven't had too many mother lion episodes yet, but evidently I'm ready for 'em. I wandered over and asked, "did you say something to my son?" She said yes, she told him he was rude. I said he was just having fun making faces. She said she didn't appreciate it. I said he's six years old, maybe she should lighten up. Well, she didn't appreciate it. Finally, I said next time you talk to me not my son and she said sorry. That's one check mark for me.

While not of a liberal mind, I do understand and even agree with the village idea of raising children. Things were probably better when we had lots of aunts, uncles and grandparents around to help with the parenting. When at church or a preschool where I actually know someone, I have no problem with other moms and dads stepping in to keep my kids from climbing the walls, throwing rocks at cars or any of the other obviously "bad" behaviors. But for someone I've never even seen out of her car before to tell my son, "You're rude." Uh uh. I don't think so.

The good thing about this episode is that another mom saw the whole thing and as she was buckling her son in, called out that she agreed with me. She said she just made a funny face back at him. Of course I looked totally desperate when I ran over saying oh thank you, I just moved here and don't have any friends. I'm the queen of living in hindsight so I worried about this all weekend (ie I've got to remember to explain to her why I sounded so desperate). I just don't have anyone to bounce these ideas off of right now, you know? I could've been totally wrong, but not been able to get around my own perspective and figure that out. Thanks to my new friend Stacy, I know I was right. As usual.

Stacy and her 4 & 5 year old boys met Ethan, Emma and I at McDonalds yesterday for our first New Hampshire pre-arranged playdate (pre-arranged, not me accosting strangers!) And she brought friends, too! So, Stacy, Sue, Sue and I chatted and laughed and made fun of uptight New Englanders while Ethan, Emma, Michael, Connor, Kayla, Dylan and Kira played. What a wonderful day. We already have plans to do it again next week. Yea for me!

Next step is to start inviting people over for dinner so Blair can make some connections, too. I figure if I invite two different couples every other Friday, I won't have to learn to make anything other than spaghetti for at least two months. Then it will be warm enough for Blair to grill burgers... Between going out to lunch after church, going to Tuesday night small groups (the only other time they meet besides Sunday a.m.) and inviting people from gymnastics, tae kwan do and school over for dinner and playdates, we should be covered up with friends in no time!

Okay, part of what I need to learn to make this blog successful is that I don't have to write a book every time. So I'll sign off for now and try not to make it so long before the next one.

2007-01-26T15:02:00.000-05:00

Well, here I go. My first blog. I still don't have a PDA, but I guess I'm joining the 21st century after all. This isn't going to be a wonderfully interesting and philosophical blog that will leave you feeling thoughtful for hours like my friend Kim's. Rather, I just wanted to try posting messages here as a way to keep in touch. Everyone knows I'm not the best at calling or emailing with any regularity, so this way I can put little updates out into the web-ether and make it your responsibility to keep up with me! Maybe this way my Christmas letter won't be so long...

We've had quite a fun time settling in to New Hampshire. For a week or so, it felt like I was jotting down some tidbit for the scrapbook every day. The day after Christmas, Ethan got his first loose tooth! And a couple days later, his second. He wiggled and jiggled for a week or so while I quietly worried about what a wuss I'd been when it came time to pull teeth. One more reason to pray he was more like Blair, who you know would never wimp out when it came to free money.

December 27th was Blair's first day of work at Hanscom. Because it was the first time he'd driven the Bronco out of the garage since we got here and it weighed considerably less after we unloaded it, part of the garage door opener dragged across the newly re-painted Bronco top. Once it caught, he knew there was nothing to do but keep driving out, then walk back inside and gripe for awhile before joining the mad rush for Boston. Then, just as he was merging from one freeway to the next, he got rear-ended! So this little Honda rear-ends a 3-ton Bronco sitting 8 inches taller with a steel trailer hitch sticking out of its bumper and he doesn't even get out of his car! He just waived and gestured to Blair like, "It's okay, it's okay. I've got places to go!"

The guys at Blair's office have been great about giving him time to help with the unpacking and getting settled. He's just starting to get into his new program, which I constantly needle him about because he won't tell me what it is!

We tried to keep the kids busy during the week before the movers came by visiting an enormous arcade called FunWorld and pigging out while we watched Happy Feet, but we were still all pretty stir crazy. Mostly the kids thought it was fun to chase the dogs around in this big empty house.

On the 30th, while we were out car shopping, our first New England snow fell. While Blair was out test driving, the kids made it their mission to keep all the rest of the cars in the lot snow free! We'd strip off our wet coats and gloves and sit in the van for awhile watching "Cars", then long before I had thawed out, they were ready to go back outside. We found a great little Outback for Blair to commute in (Bronco's aren't the best for this). It's a burgundy 2000, with leather and all the bells and whistles; more than 100,000 miles, but I know and trust Subaru's when it comes to mileage and they threw in a 12 month warranty because we told them another dealer was offering one. The best thing about it? It's pre-dented! Blair talked about trying to pull the dent, but Mom said he should leave it because then he won't feel so bad when it gets another ding. Pretty sound thinking in my opinion.

Our household goods arrived January 2nd and it took about 10 full days to get settled in, which was actually better than I expected. Pictures are hung, curtains are up and I've even re-organized the kitchen. You know things are never in the right cabinet the first time. Just when I was thinking I might have a few hours to do nothing but eat bon bons while the kids were in school, an ice storm knocked our power out. 10pm Monday to midnight Tuesday. By the time Blair got home from his nice toasty office Tuesday evening, I was frozen to the bone and had already made a hotel reservation. He didn't feel comfortable leaving the house, so the kids and I left him to his twice-hourly checks on the plumbing and enjoyed a normal little hotel room with the heater set on 80. More importantly, Ethan's first tooth fell out that day. Between moving at Christmas and teeth falling out in hotels, it's a good thing all our childhood heroes have GPS so they can track us down.

His second tooth fell out the very next day. Good timing for me because it stopped his current temper tantrum dead in its tracks. Pretty hard to stay angry when you're running up the stairs to show mom a tooth and bursting with pride. He's such a boy and seems to achieve more boyishness every day. He got slot cars and a video game for Christmas and is more profficient than we expected him to be with either of them. Mostly, he loves torturing his sister and I struggle daily to find a balance. Can you really fault him for screaming at her when she's trying to tell him who the Mommy and baby Power Rangers are and screaming at him that she doesn't like shooting games?

We've already found a wonderfully welcoming church and are looking forward to developing some friendships there. The kids are enjoying school and I've spent hours calling, researching and touring schools for Emma to attend next fall. I managed to find a 5-day pre-k at a school that also offers kindergarten (9-2 which is longer than the local public schools). Today I've been calling gymnastics and tae kwan do places trying to find us something to do in the afternoons. Since the kids are both out of school by 11:40, we have some long afternoons to fill.

Mostly, I'm just enjoying normal everyday life. I'm too happy to be done with unpacking to worry about the fact that I don't have anything else to do. Now it's just normal details of life in a new house: which corner do you pile the shoes in? How can I fit the most dishes in the dishwasher? How can I minimize the number of times I go up and down our 27 steps every day? Just the little things that come with a new house. Hopefully neither of the kids will get deathly ill in the next few days because finding a new pediatrician is very low on my to-do list.

More soon!

Alyssa